80th & 90th Birthday Party
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90th bday party - conflicts about money & planning
March 2011
Our large-ish family would like to have a birthday party for my grandmother who will be turning 90 in May. Grandma is thrilled. There will be 80-100 guests attending. One daughter-in-law has spearheaded the planning, but tensions are arising about how big a production it should be, how much it should cost, and who should pay how much. How do families figure this stuff out? There are 6 children (grown up, obviously) with large disparities in income, but DIL has suggested that each of the 6 contribute $800. But all of the grandchildren are adult as well; shouldn't they contribute? So really, how do we keep the peace and balance the vision of the party--some want an elaborate catered affair, some want a potluck at a park? (By the way, the party will be in So Cal, so suggestions for local resources won't help!) Loving granddaughter
I was on my Grandma's last birthday 94years old, what I remember is everybody was in the party outside; I was the only one was with her sitting in the couch drinking her favorite drink and celebrating her birthday. They made sure to have what they like to drink and eat, but they forgot to do it special for my Grandma. I suggest the money has to be pay per family and have on mind is HER birthday. If was your's what would you like to have in Your party? I wish her happy birthday. Dora
We had a 100th birthday party for my Gran two years ago. It was a blast! Gran lived in Kentucky near Aunt C, one of her 3 children. She had 18 grandchildren, 28 great-greats, plus a couple of G-G-Gs.
Originally, Aunt C was going to host an informal birthday party at her house for whoever could come, since only a few of our family lives within driving distance. But it turned out that everybody wanted to come. All but one of my 18 first cousins came, and they brought all their spouses & kids, many of whoom have their own kids. It was about 60 people total.
Aunt C booked a banquet room at Gran's favorite restaurant, one of those Chinese buffet chain restaurants. It would not have been the first choice of any family members under the age of 65, but that was Gran's first choice and it was also more affordable. Aunt C proposed this idea, and insisted on footing the bill herself since so many people were flying their families in from the west coast, which was a big expense. Nobody in the family is wealthy, and some live very modestly. She and her husband are pretty comfortable compared to the the rest of the family. A couple of the grandkids suggested a 2nd event at Aunt C's house on the day after the birthday party, since most of us were staying for a few days. So we chipped in and arranged for a big load of meat and side dishes from a local BBQ joint. (yum)
My Gran just sat on a comfy chair at both events and had her food brought to her, while everybody took turns paying court and getting their picture made. She had a great time and mentioned several times about how happy she was to see all her west coast granddaughters wearing make-up for a change. It was fun to see all the teen cousins hanging out, some of them meeting for the first time, and just enjoying the family. We all had fun even though like many families there are numerous long-standing disputes and various warring factions. The fact that Aunt C did all the planning really did make it much easier for all of us to enjoy ourselves and not squabble over the details.
You said that for your party, one person is doing most of the planning, and wants each sibling to chip in $600. I would be inclined to let the party planner have the biggest say, assuming that Grandma is happy with the plans, because the planning part takes an enormous amount of time, especially with that many people, and not everyone agreeing. I think the other siblings should feel free to say they can't afford the $600 if they can't afford it, and perhaps an email could go out to the grandchildren asking them to pitch in if need be. On the other hand, if the siblings had to fly to Kentucky for Grandma's birthday, which surely they would want to do for her 90th, it would cost a lot more than $600!! It might be one of those things where everybody should graciously bite their tongues and go with the flow in the interest of family solidarity. G.
I've organized large events & small events long-distance (including a wedding for 500) and it's a pain. Here is my hard-learned advice:
--There is no such thing as ''fair'' in these matters. Really. Truly, you can't make everyone happy. And you'll never have the ''perfect'' option. Aim for something that everyone can live with that won't create a long-term grudge.
--A potluck at a park is a LOT more work than you think & impractical for out-of-towners. Plus you have to get the reservation, rent chairs, hope the weather is not too hot or too cold, arrange restrooms, etc .... all kinds of tiny details that are lots of work.
--The more people, the more detailed coordination is involved and no way to divide the work evenly. Keep it simple. Have it at a casual restaurant or entertainment venue that has the staff, menu & flexibility to easily accommodate different ages.
--The person doing the most work and taking the lead knows the most about your options and has the most enthusiasm. Her or his opinion should carry a little more weight than the rest.
--However, those 6 of you footing the bill are entitled to set reasonable boundaries on the price, food & venue so all attending can be accommodated (if not perfectly). If Marvin is kosher, offer fish as well as ham; if Susan hates Chinese, pick mac & cheese over chow mein. (Past 3-4 vetoes, you're dealing with a control freak who can't be pleased.)
$800 times 6 = $4800, which is $48/person for 100 people. (Trying to get the grandkids to pony up as well is not practical.) That's more than enough. At a Chinese banquet, $48 gets you a sit-down 9 course meal, with lobster. There are thousands of caterers and restaurants in the Los Angeles/Orange County area that can serve a lovely meal for less than that. Think Mexican, Thai, Indian, Chinese, barbecue, deli, Greek ... really, you've got LOTS of options.
If the number attending may fluctuate at the last minute (''baby's sick!''), opt for a buffet rather than a sit-down meal and you'll probably get a better price (and fewer hurt feelings). See if you can get a place that will offer a private banquet room or reserve a full patio for you for a more intimate feel.
As to where, pick up a Zagats for your area. Also, log onto www.chowhound.com, pick your area, and ask for recommendations. You'll get lots of advice and it's more reliable than Yelp.
My advice: Don't make it formal. Make it fun & festive and easy. Take LOTS of pictures! They will be an eternal treasure ... Been There
80th birthday celebration
Oct 2008
It'll be my dad's 80th birthday next month and he wants a nice dinner with the family. We're not a big family and one of us is a three year old, so any recommendations for a classy, fun, special child-friendly place? We'd do it at home but we're going to be all cooked out from Thanksgiving happening at our house 2 days prior to the big birthday. Would Bay Wolf be a good choice? Thanks, J
Bay Wolf could be excellent, or Jojo next door, though its coziness can make one feel more self-conscious about little kids. You might try Bella Nico in Glenview. I met the owner at swim lessons (he has young kids). He says his restaurant is family friendly and they get rave reviews. (I can't wait to try it!) Finally, Spiesekammer in Alameda is a festive place and great with kids. (German cuisine) Good luck! Hilary
Lake Merritt Hotel has a beautiful space overlooking the lake.
lakemerritthotel.com
I struggled finding a space too. I wanted a safe area, flat parking lot, an elevator, excellent quality food and enough room for mingling, immaculate, airy, well apointed, festive features and I imagine you want these too. I loved Ceron Restaurant on Webster Street in Alameda, parking lot at rear entrance. Event space is entire second floor. The terrific delicious food, in-house baker, easy-to-work with management, pretty tables and wonderful servers made my baby shower for 36 a very sucessful event. There was plenty of room for three times the guests. Everyone loved it. Highly recommend this place.
St. Alban's in Albany (right on the Berkeley border - a block off of Solano) has a beautiful hall available for a reasonable rate. There's a kitchen and dishes available, too. A nice size - tables and chairs, etc. Here's the website: https://stalbansalbany.org/facility-rentals/
We had my mom's 90th birthday at Trader Vic's in Emeryville. I'd never actually been there but heard older folks like it. It was a big hit with everyone. They have private dining rooms of different sizes that have views of the bay and the marina. Easy access, easy parking, festive atmosphere, fun for young and old. We got leis for everyone and told them to dress in tropical clothing. You can set up a fixed menu in advance for the group, food served family style, and decide how much if any tropical drinks you want to provide. The food is not foodie level but it's not bad and the buffet offerings had something for everyone. We passed around mai tais for everyone before the food was served, and then guests could visit the bar after that and buy their own fancy cocktails if desired. It was fun and we got some great photos.
We've also had family birthday parties - especially brunches - at Skates on the Bay in Berkeley. Both Skates and Trader Vic's are set up for parties and have a pretty good system for planning that made it relatively low stress for me.
Hello! It’s in SF, but I wanted to suggest Hayes Street Grill in Hayes Valley. They have a very large, beautiful light filled half of the space that they close for events. I had my 50+ person baby shower there and it was so memorable and the food was fantastic. An SF legacy restaurant that’s been in operation for 43 years.
It’s my mother in law, Patricia Unterman’s restaurant so please let me know if you’re interested!
Thanks and good luck!
Annie
Check out all the Oakland Parks & Rec buildings available for rent. I used Sequoia Lodge for my wedding of about 40 people, and it seemed the right size for 40-50. There are others, I think something next to Lake Merritt, one at the MLK shoreline, Leona Lodge in the hills, etc. The Oakland ones seem a better fit for you than the Berkeley ones. Of course, these are only space, you'd need catering as well.
I would encourage you to check out The Phoenix in Alameda. They have a great space that is large enough for your group but still small to feel intimate. I've been very happy with the bookings I've done there. I also recommend the winery on the Alameda base, I can't remember the name but an event I attended there (about 60 ppl) was very nice.
I've been to recent events at the Brazilian Room and El Cerrito Community Center--
Brazil room – pluses: really lovely, great views ; minuses: might be difficult for older guests to get there without help; you have to use their caterer (the food was fine.)
El Cerrito Community Center – pluses: relatively accessible space, good for disabled people, nice room, some outdoor space; minuses: not beautiful. I'm not sure about whether you need to rent furniture or if it comes with the space.
Another idea – your father's church or synagogue – most have a social hall and some outdoor space. Some might be available for rent to nonmembers.
You might check out some of the yacht clubs in the area; they often have spaces available for rent. I got married at Berkeley Yacht Club (you'd need an outside caterer). I've seen private rentals at Encinal YC in Alameda, which has a restaurant so I think they can provide food. Other clubs I'm familiar with (though not with rental options) are Alameda Yacht Club and Richmond Yacht Club.
Temescal Beach house?
https://www.ebparks.org/rentals-and-permits/event-venues/beach-house
I have seen a few families have gatherings just under 50 people at the Arlington Clubhouse, and the fees online are pretty reasonable! I think you'd have to have your catering come to the site or bring your own food and drink -- Link below:
https://web2.myvscloud.com/wbwsc/caelcerritowt.wsc/search.html?module=F…
I've done events on the patio at Gather Kitchen in DT Berkeley. The patio is lovely, has space heaters, and they can section off some of it for a private party. You can arrange to order off menu and the vibe is casual and food is great. I did my husband's 50th bday there for 35 people - everyone loved the food and it was really reasonably priced (I think we paid about $1200 including the entire bar tab!). It is also much cheaper and easier than renting a venue and hiring a caterer.
I just wanted to second the recommendation for Trader Vic's in Emeryville. It has lovely views of the Bay and seems like a lot less work for you than renting a space and hiring a caterer. My aunt and uncle had their 50th wedding anniversary there 12 years ago -- it was lovely and the tropical theme was fun (they met and got married in Hawaii).