Couples therapist to help work through differing parenting styles
I'm looking for a couples therapist who can help me and my husband reckon with our differing parenting styles. We have two children (1 and 3 years old) and often disagree about how to navigate both everyday situations and more challenging ones. We would like to find a therapist who can help us flesh out a shared parenting approach or framework. I'm sure there's plenty more we could get out of couples therapy, but we'd like to enter with this goal in mind. We've had no luck working through this particular issue on our own.
If you have a recommendation for a couples therapist who you think would be a good fit, please share.
If you and your partner went through similar challlenges, I would love to hear any advice you may have, even if you don't have a therapist recommendation.
Parent Replies
I recommend Revi from personal experience. She does both in person and virtual. We have 3 kids (11,8,3) and come from very different parenting backgrounds.
Revi Hope Airborne-Williams LMFT
445 Bellevue Ave #1
Oakland CA 95610
510-394-2626
pronouns: she, her
I nearly just wrote a similar post! However, we already have a couples therapist who has been helpful in terms of us navigating conflict between us related to disagreements around parenting styles, but hasn’t been that helpful in actually helping us figure out a parenting strategy that works for both of us and our spirited toddler. I wonder if working with a therapist who specializes in parenting or working with kids rather than a couples counselor would be more helpful with this particular issue. Just something to consider. Curious to see what other recommendations you get. It’s such a challenging dynamic.
We are getting parent coaching with Vanessa Callaghan (https://www.vanessacallaghan.com/). She's not a couples therapist, however, if that's your main goal. Instead (though she has a team of others, one of whom is a marriage counselor), she focuses on parenting techniques, and even if you have different styles, her pointers can be applied via your own parenting lens. Vanessa's program is an all-in "immersion" program that provides guidance and teaching for a year. We've found it amazingly useful, and Vanessa herself is caring, thoughtful and positive. My wife and I have different styles, and Vanessa's teaching has enabled us to see where we can do things with a common goal, even if we use the tools we're learning somewhat differently. If one of your styles is (just for the sake of illustration) "kid must always be forgiven", and the other's style is "kid must always get the stick", then that's a big difference. Vanessa's teachings are not so much about whether one way is right or not, but rather, she's about teaching you what works with kids, how to approach daily issues in ways that get results. In that way, it's less about "style" than about what actually works. I've been so surprised about how even just different ways of phrasing work wonders very quickly. She offers a 30 min consultation. We were initially hesitant because of the cost, but we have no regrets. Our kid is 8, by the way, and she has parents of kids of all ages in her community.
Since you already have a couples therapist and you mentioned having a spirited child, I’m going to recommend that you consult with Rebecah Freeling of Wit’s End Parenting who is a parenting coach.
Spirited kiddos (imho and with intense experience) need a specific kind of parenting in order to thrive and become cooperative family members and successful students and adults.
An “I’m the boss” parenting style that perhaps you grew up with will likely not work. Of course you’re the leader AND your kiddo needs some power, too.
Rebecah helped me (and my EXTREMELY spirited child) develop strategies and rules for our home. I’m thinking that perhaps you two could see what Rebecah has to say and then see if you could agree on that.
Parenting styles often are formed by how we were parented. With a spirited kid those lovely styles often don’t work. Stubbornly clinging to an inappropriate style can do more harm than good.
My daughter is 17 now and is still strong-willed and knows what she wants as she has known since age 2. She is becoming an effective leader, however and those spirited qualities are serving her well as an emerging adult. (Rebecah coached me to replace BOSSY with GOOD LEADER.) It was not easy and I’m sending you guys lots of patience and deep breaths. Good Luck