Tricky kid with interesting "profile"
Hi BPN,
I am seeking some guidance, insight, and validation around my 7-year-old kid. We recently had them undergo a neuropsych evaluation because many of their behaviors looked like ADHD. The neuropsych evaluation did not show ADHD; but revealed very high intellect, processing speed, and verbal and spatial capacity. The psychologist noted that children with this profile need a lot of support academically and socially because they challenge authority and struggle to find "true" peers. Often, they drop out of school in teenage years.
Our child is currently at an overcrowded and underfunded public school and is doing "fine" academically but the teacher reports they are very distractible and don't finish anything. Our child comes home reporting conflicts with other children and initiates conflict with their sibling and parents using rigid demands and/or name-calling. Their moods are "expansive" and "explosive" and very unpredictable. On the flip side, they can be so silly and dysregulated that it's disruptive or unsafe.
Our child is not "academic" in the traditional sense - they simply just don't pay attention long enough or seem to have any interest in traditional subjects. However, they are infinitely curious and have an incredible memory and love relaying facts. They are also not interested in any hobbies or sports we've tried, so I struggle to find them another kind of outlet for their energy and curiosity.
We have explored parent coaching, OT, parent therapy, various sports/activities. I'm increasingly feeling like what's going on feels like a nervous system that's out of balance, related or not to their giftedness. I am also unsure how to coach them around social issues when they are so quick to shut us down. We know of no one else in our community with a child with this profile. (All other exceptionally intelligent children we know also have a hobby like soccer or lego robotics to satisfy them, or they enjoy going to school and learning). Would love to hear about your experiences and even validation if you have a similar child. What resources/therapies/activities did you try? How did you keep them motivated academically? How did you navigate their tendency to draw peers and family into conflict? Thanks in advance.
Parent Replies
I understand! I would look into a different school. Walden Center & School in Berkeley fit both of my kids. Much project based learning, mixed age classrooms, lots of outside time, arts based and academically great! No sports but dance and drama. One of mine had no interest in academics and now is a sophmore in college! My other was definitely a "spirited" child with all that you mentioned. Also is a gifted artist. She is now at an art Uni overseas. Her closest friends are kids she went to Walden with. Check it out and they do offer financial aid-even if you think you wouldnt qualify!
Gifted, “quirky” kids with difficult profiles are exactly what giftedness is all about and what you’re describing is very typical of most gifted children. Our kiddos don’t typically do well academically because they don’t operate in a traditional way and need to be self motivated or they’re not interested. Have you considered homeschooling? Kids like yours can really benefit from the flexibility and connections with other gifted kids and families who “get” them. Contact the Homeschool Association of California HSC.org, phone 888-HSC-4440 to discuss what that could look like. giftedhomeschoolalliance.com is a local support group for gifted homeschooling. This is a good resource as well https://www.hoagiesgifted.org.
Have you thought about unschooling schools? They are unstructured and child-driven; that is, the child can pursue their interests at their own speed with or without the support of a facilitator. It's not homeschooling, there's an actual place you take them, even the ones that are outdoor schools. The one I know about is BigMinds Unschool in Pinole (also Pleasanton). It's a school for 2e kids (twice exceptional) who are both gifted and with some other issue like anxiety or dyslexia that makes mainstream schools a torture for them. Melanie Hayes is the founder and she is just wonderful, she totally gets these kids. We had friends who sent their kid to Diablo Valley School, which is a Sudbury school out in Concord. He did well there and is now in college. There are other unschooling programs, I'm sure. Anyway, I hope this is a good start. It's incredible how a lot of these behaviors will disappear once you get them into the right environment. Good luck.
You are not alone in this. Consider researching the 2E (twice exceptional) community. My highly gifted child has a very unusual learning profile. He was diagnose with ADHD in high school, but I don't think that begins to address his full complexity. He was able to get through elementary and middle school on sheer force of intellect. It all caught up with him in high school. Although literally off the charts on some metrics of intelligence, he dropped out of high school. He's 25 now and has been gainfully employed, supporting himself, for the past three years. It's not easy, but he's doing it his way and it's working for now.
I tried so many different therapists and therapies. I tried so many different motivational strategies and programs. He had a 504, and I tried for an IEP but our school district would not give him one. None of it really worked. If I had it to do all over again, I would have moved out of the intense pressure of the Bay Area and either home-schooled or found a one-on-one teaching model school that caters to this population (there are a few around the country including several in the Bay Area). I would have adjusted our lifestyle to a very low pressure, low stimulation, lifestyle where my son could have more space and freedom. My spouse (now divorced) wouldn't have a conversation about any of this. Who knows, I don't think it would have been perfect, but I think we could have been happier.
Consider following atpeaceparents and neurodivergent_insignts on Instagram to see if anything there resonates. Note that these kids are highly susceptible to anxiety and depression, as well as self-harming behaviors.
Consider finding a supportive therapist or coach for yourself and you and your partner. These kids have amazing gifts and are incredibly challenging to raise.
I recommend you join the Facebook group: Gifted Kids in SF bay area . It skews towards the South Bay/Peninsula, but there are plenty of East Bay families on there. If you search the group for key words such as your city or nearby cities, you will get lots of recommendations from over the years. You can also (obviously) post for feedback there yourself. It is a really nice community.