Social anxiety in a 13-year-old boy

https://www.bakingwellness.org

I love this org! Could be helpful! 

Hello, it’s possible that you may need to explore home health instruction (HHI) -if you have a note from the doctor explaining that attending school in a big group setting can cause social anxiety and hinder academic performance then he may be able to have a teacher come meet him at your house a couple times a week or at another spot like a library. Sometimes our boys have problems with other students and they don’t wanna talk about it so instead they just clam up. It’s always better to get home health instruction then to let them fail academically..

Hi.  Sounds like there could be more going on, but have you looked into introversion? Your child sounds a lot like me and my adult son.  Neither one of us have social anxiety, but we both avoid groups and various other social situations we find exhausting if at all possible.  When I was younger I thought something was wrong with me but discovered I am just introverted. I really worried about my son in high school but he was perfectly happy hanging out at home and getting together with the couple of good friends he had. This is a great book about Introversion by Susan Cain”Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking”

I can't offer practical help but I can sympathize as our child is exactly the same. He had no real friends all through middle school and has very actively avoided groups of kids as far back as I can remember. Even now, at age 14, when I pick him up from school, he scampers away with an anxious look on his face, as if he's desperately trying to escape the other children. I'm practically chasing him to our car. He's an intelligent and creative kid but barely spoke two words in class for all of 6th and 7th grades. 

I recall once reading an article in The New York Times about "The Sensitive Child" and found that fit our son to a tee. 

All I can say is over time, I realized I was not helping him by treating this as a disorder or a problem. All that did was it added to his own anxiety. Maybe the real solution here is just radical acceptance and having faith it will all be okay? For us, we took our child on interesting trips around the world, socialized him with our own friends and their kids (even though none were his age and mostly, all the kids ever did was sit at far ends of the room reading their own books!). 

We also slowly allowed him to expand his world in Minecraft as he grew older, and eventually we let him join a couple of Discord communities for particular Minecraft servers (which we also monitored actively). Though I should emphasize he only likes to build in Minecraft and isn't into the fighting games. This actually got him into coding and he decided to wanted to join a coding class (he's now enrolled). I had many fears about this (and still do), but mostly I've been pleasantly surprised by how maturely he approaches this world and how much he has learned through this experience. We also put some time limits though we honestly sometimes struggle to enforce these! We talk openly about the dangers of online addiction, bullying, predation etc and he's well aware of these issues. 

I will report that finally, toward the end of 8th grade, he's made ONE proper friend in middle school. He's always been a 1-on-1 kind-of kid and never felt comfortable in groups. And maybe this is okay. Maybe we need more such kids in the world? There are many positive aspects to being a sensitive child—they are more empathetic, more responsible, sometimes more creative... I recommend reading the article--just google sensitive child and NYT. There may be more recent ones too and other writings on this. 

I'm not sure if this is helpful but I wanted to share our experience if for no other reason than to let you know you are not alone!          

I invite you to consider an alternate understanding of your son: He is very introverted. Our culture considers extroversion to be "normal" and can over-pathologize introverts. Introversion is not the same thing as shyness. Introverts find groups of people and group interactions draining, and need alone time to rebuild their energy reserves, as opposed to extroverts who gain energy from groups. I'm an introvert, so I live this daily and have structured my life to work for my needs. For example, I accepted that I hate parties, even if I know everyone there. It is simply too exhausting to interact with lots of people. Now I only attend larger gatherings commemorating milestones: Weddings, B'nai Mitzvot, Funerals/Memorials. I don't attend cocktail parties, birthday parties, etc. When our child was young it was almost always my partner who took them to gatherings. Like most introverts, I've learned how to behave like an extrovert when necessary, but it is hard work and I'm worn out afterwards.

For those who are very introverted, the school environment is terribly demanding. You are in groups of people all day, activities are structured around interactions with others, and school buildings are not designed to include quiet spaces that can offer respite and alone time. Middle and high schools demand much more social and academic interaction, and with larger numbers of people, than do elementary schools. Every period is a different class with a different mix of students. Lunch is no longer eaten at your classroom desk, but in a large, cacophonous cafeteria. If you imagine the experience of being an introvert in middle or high school, you might empathize with the need to eat alone since this is the best option (amongst no good options) for girding yourself for your afternoon classes. By the end of the day, nothing, even the companionship of friends, is enough to persuade you to engage in any sort of group activity. All you want is to be by yourself and do whatever you find restorative.

For extroverted parents, introversion can seem like there is something wrong with your child that needs to be addressed. I have a good friend whose son was born about a year after my child. This friend is extremely extroverted. Throughout her son's life she has been deeply concerned about his relative lack of interest in being social, and has often shared these concerns with me. To me, her son seems like a very smart, very well-adjusted introvert. He can and will converse with people, and has been quite successful academically. He is now pursuing an advanced degree in the sciences, and my friend thinks he should be studying something else because his work (mostly in a lab) limits the circle of people with whom he interacts to his professors and a handful of other students. She wants to "fix" this. I've asked her if he is happy, and her incredulous answer is always yes. The problem is, she can't imagine this sort of life making anyone happy. She cannot fathom that being alone is not a state of loneliness for her son, as it would be for her.

So perhaps try a different approach. Is there a teacher in whose classroom he can eat lunch, away from the other kids? Does he have academic interests that could lead to a career that allows him to be his introverted self? Reassure him that introverts, too, have a place in our world. We don't need to be pathologized or fixed, just understood.

-Introverted Mom

I would highly recommend getting testing and clarifying his autism diagnosis. Social anxiety and autism are treated very differently. My son was misdiagnosed with social anxiety for years until we finally got the autism diagnosis at 18. It has been life-changing! He has gotten the accommodations he needed in college and will soon embark on a PhD. Socially, he tends to find friends around common interests and needs lots of alone time. He is unlikely to ever sit and chat at a noisy cafeteria table unless the topic is exceptionally compelling to him. If your son is autistic, it may not be anxiety but sensory overload, a sense that he misses the social cues in a group, or simply that the conversation topics don't interest him. I know the testing is expensive, but I can't overstate the positive impact it has had. Also, my son was on Lexapro for years, and the side effects were significant; it made him very sleepy, and he gained weight. Getting off it was hard too. Maybe your son does have social anxiety and not autism, but it would be good to know so you can give him the appropriate support. I know how hard on the parents this journey can be. Wishing you all the best. 

We had a positive experience with the PEERS online social skills program through UCLA for our son. The class meets weekly, and a parent is also required to participate, though the student and parent sessions are held separately. We found the program to be very helpful. https://www.semel.ucla.edu/peers/peers%C2%AE-online-social-skills-classes

Please take this with a grain of salt... Has your son expressed that this bothers/upsets him?  The reason I ask, is that he sounds a bit like my husband and after 20 years of being together I kind of understand, he just doesn't need friends the way I and other people I know, do.  He is definitely on the spectrum and has fortunately found a career that provides most of what he needs outside of our family.  I find it deeply upsetting but it's quite possible that my husband absolutely does not, he says he is very satisfied with his life.

Which leads to my second comment, after much family and individual therapy over the years regarding our 17 year old son, I realized that it was me who needed to do a lot of the work - in terms of learning how to be the parent he needed rather than him being the kid I wanted him to be.  Not to say that your son might not have some serious issues that need to be addressed - just - at the same time, you might need support in knowing what you can and can't change (which is what helped me a lot).

I have no idea if Prozac has helped my child, but they are definitely less socially anxious than they used to be. It's never totally gone away. They've been on Prozac for years now. The anxiety was incredibly bad at one point .

We also pay for a private school because they were overwhelmed w public and couldn't handle the "social games" or bullying/judgement that went on. 

It's not perfect in private, but they get a lot more emotional support and (maybe we lucked out w our class so far--anything can change)  it's much kinder. 

Wow I really appreciate all your input! I agree that there is a risk in pathologizing our son when he really needs acceptance. I also think he may be on the spectrum which may imply that social anxiety meds aren’t indicated or will be less effective.  Still I wonder: what if we could make him happier? He often says he wants friends but doesn’t know how to make them.

I am aware of the PEERS program and have been trying to find an available group.  We are open to discussing meds with a doctor but remain skeptical and worried about side effects. My son, being a serious worrier himself, is very reluctant to take any medication. It’s not bad enough that we would force him.  Thank you to the responder who mentioned Prozac for their child. I’m wondering if there are any more experiences out there using meds for teen social anxiety?