The Friend's Parents

Parent Q&A

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  • We recently learned my son's best friend (just turned 9) is being left at home alone for extended periods of time. I've noticed him in the schoolyard after school for many hours alone and he hides. He does not attend after-school care because his mom "cannot" pay for it. I do not know much about his mother; I know she is a single and hard-working mom, who has a demanding job and teaches two night classes at the university. I know he misses his dad, who recently left his family. I say the latter because he does seem to be sad these days but I think it's more about his dad moving back to China. I don't suspect any abuse. I know that his mother is planning on taking a cruise in the near future and prepping him to stay alone for seven days. This child does very well in school and seems to be mature for his age. He also indicated he's not allowed to use the stove/oven, only microwaves and is receiving money in case he needs food. He lives in a very safe, affluent gated community, where can walk to a store. Am I to report this? Or is this just a MYOB situation? I know my mom told me stories of how she used to travel for three miles each way to and from school on a bus in the 1960s in SF and stay at home for three days at a time alone (with siblings). Is it a cultural thing? I'm not sure what to do or if I just stay clear of this one. 

    She would leave him alone 7 days? At home by himself? And to go on a cruise? Even if it was for a more legitimate motive I would find it inacceptable, but for a cruise.... If you are sure about what you say, I would start by talking to the school (teacher, principal) to see if the situation can be handled before it goes wild (social services etc). But I would surly not let the kid be left alone for 7 days. Inacceptable. You are right to step in.

    It's nice of you to be concerned, but perhaps if you don't suspect abuse and he seems to be doing okay in school, how about just offering to check in on the son while she's on a cruise, or invite him for dinner or a sleep over  with your own son so he's not lonely---rather than report it (?). I remember also being left alone as a child with siblings (one year older and another 6 years younger). Especially if they live in an affluent neighborhood, indeed it seems a bit sad, but not neglect. 

    I know this might be too much to ask but are you in a position to offer any support? Can he stay at your house for that week? Can he go home with any classmates after school to be picked up later by parent? I know it’s a sensitive subject. When I was growing up  (granted in the suburbs) there were plenty of days and nights where one of the neighbors sets of kids or myself and my siblings were passed off to the other neighbors after school or evenings because one set of parents or the other was busy or away or on vacation. We had a real village set up in our neighborhood that made it easy for parents to have a community of other parents to ask for help from. It’s so much harder now a days and especially in an urban setting to ask for help from other parents. Is there a comfortable way you or one of the other families the child is close to could offer some sort of help? It really does take a village.

    A 9-year old child left alone for 7 days is reportable to CPS - it is clearly negligent.  Could you perhaps offer to host him while his mother is gone?

    I don't even know where to start. Prepping him to stay home alone for 7 days while she goes on a cruise? But she has no money for after school care despite being a university professor and living in a gated community? Short answer, yes, get involved. If you have credible specific information I would talk to his teacher first.Teachers are mandated reporters and if they have information that a child is in danger they are required to report it to CPS. 9 is way too young to be left alone for extended periods. If she leaves him alone for 7 days something bad is going to happen. I'm sure she tells him to hide on the school grounds until she picks him up so she doesn't have to pay or make other arrangements. She has no regard for his safety. I don't know what her problem is but someone needs to step in and help this family.

    Wait what?!?! Mom can afford a cruise (that she’s planning to leave her kid alone for) and an exclusive gated community, but not aftercare!? I am all about kids having more responsibility (and MYOB), and I could see leaving a mature 9 year old at home alone for brief periods (esp if you know the neighbors who could help if needed), but I would say the authorities should be notified about a child home alone for 7 days.

    If i were in your shoes, I’d tell the school principal (or school social worker if you have one). They will know the child, the culture, and ideally will know how to outreach to the mom & tell her the laws & get the child into appropriate aftercare. School staff are also mandated reporters, so if the situation rises to the level of child neglect, they will have to tell cps. 

    Great of you to be concerned, I would be too!  Maybe offer help and see if the kid wants to come over a few days after school and that might open some conversation with his mom about the situation.  But at the very least, I'd bring it up to his teachers because a kid home alone for that long can be a dangerous situation.

    Wow, are you going to get a lot of replies. It is not OK for this boy to be alone for this much time in the afternoons, and it is definitely not OK for this kid to be home alone for seven days while his mother travels. For any reason. I would approach the school about this first. They should know, for one. They are mandated reporters, for another. They may have an after-school program and can see about financial aid if that is needed, and they might have other resources for the boy to deal with his grief. I'd reach out to the principal for a private chat and I would mention what you heard about the vacation. The principal can report it and it won't put your son in the position of being the one who told. The principal can also walk you through your options. Cultural or not, this is not how things are done here and it's definitely considered neglect here and needs to be addressed.

    This needs to be reported.  While there is no set age in the state of California regarding leaving kids home alone, leaving a 9 year old at home for that length of time seems completely unreasonable.  There also seems to be a disconnect between the parent not being able to afford after school care but going on cruises and living in a gated community.

    I think most 9-year-olds can wait in the schoolyard for awhile, be at home alone for a stretch in the afternoon, walk to school on their own, and things like that.   Seven days is another matter entirely, and I don’t think it’s okay.   Even if he could be physically safe, he would be terribly lonely.   Could you offer to have him stay at your house?   The absence is too long, but if there’s a way to intervene and address the problem without calling CPS, that might be better for him.   If his community steps in to help, an official intervention, which could also be traumatic, might not be needed.  I stayed alone too much when I was little.  The problem was less about safety than how sad and lonely and scared I felt.  Spending so much time feeling like that affected my development, my personality.  Children shouldn’t be in this position even if they won’t starve or set the house on fire.  

    As a German, I would think, this is quite a normal situation for a 9-year-old to stay by himself. Back home kid's get keys to their homes once they start school at the age of 6 or 7 and are allowed to walk home alone. When kids are about 7 years old they can stay at home for 2-3 hours without any problems, as long as the parents are somehow to reach. And depending on how responsible the kids act. Telling you this does not mean that your troubles aren't important. I am just trying to give you a different frame to compare to. Best!!! And maybe you can ask your son if he wants to bring his BFF home more often? The issue with his Dad is, of course, something else. He might need someone to talk about it. 

    California’s law is unclear regarding the starting age of when children can be left at one alone. It sounds like a terrible idea for a 9 year old to be left over night even if it’s just one night-worse if it’s longer. Maybe the child will be okay because of the familiarity of his home and regular routines; however, if anything out of the ordinary happens, he might not know how to react. What if he chokes while eating or if there’s a house fire while he’s sleeping? There are too many risks.

    Since your child and the boy are best friends, it might be helpful if you  reach out to the mother and express your concerns. If you’re able to, maybe you can offer his friend to stay with you for a few days while she’s away. Even if she declines the offer, she will possibly be more aware that other people know about her situation and hopefully be less inclined to leave for that long. 

    Well, if I thought a parent was planning to leave a 9-year-old alone for a week, I would report them to CPS.  That seems like child neglect and child endangerment.

    As far as the after-school situation, I'm guessing the kid will be found out soon, it's hard to "hide" for too long.  However, I would also probably mention that to the school administrators.

    I don't know--maybe I am a busybody.  Maybe I am not sympathetic enough to a hard-working single mom with money problems.  But both of the situations you describe seem like neglect, and would make the life of a child who has just lost their father even worse.

    I was that kid! Except I had a brother, which was nice because I wasn't alone. It was before there were national stories about kids discovered left alone made news. We also lived in an area where culturally it was important to respect other families' privacy. We knew not to tell anyone at school when we were left alone. It was ok, although I would never leave my kids alone. My husband and I have been foster parents for years. I wouldn't report them to Child Protective Services. It would definitely be taken very seriously (because, to be clear it's not developmentally appropriate or reasonable). Assuming he were permitted to stay in the home, it would add a lot of stress to the family. There would be lots of social workers visiting, likely mandatory parenting classes, and the possibility of the boy being removed. If he were removed, the placement is unlikely to be awesome. It's much less likely that he'll be removed coming from a middle-class family, but it'll be very disruptive and likely traumatic. 

    In a couple of years, it will be ok for him to be alone. In the meantime, can you take him in more often? Would the mom be ok with you taking him home when you pick up your son after school? Can he stay with you while his mom is out of town? Maybe you can characterize it as his staying over for the occasional night during her absence. I hope you'll let him stay as much as he wants. I know, you didn't sign up for this, but here we are. There aren't any good answers and your son will learn some valuable lessons watching you provide support to this little guy. 

    The people who gave my brother and me support and a glimpse at a more supportive home life were invaluable to me. I was talking to girl I grew up with whose mom was the kind of person I'm encouraging you to be. She's amazing and looks back with such profound respect for her mom and the way she reached out to kids who needed more than they were getting. 

    Oh dear, sounds like a situation where you might have to MYOB since the boy seems otherwise fine alone. As a child (I'm Chinese) I was taught to be pretty self-sufficient at an early age so I was also left alone often while my parents worked. Just my opinion though.

    My two cents is that 9 is way too young to be left home alone for such extensive, perpetually extensive, time!  I'll just say it:  the mom, as overworked/stressed/financially strapped as she may be, is being negligent if continuing to leave her son alone, unsupervised, for extended periods of time.  If afterschool programs cost too much, I suggest she stretch her social resources, get to know some trusted parents (you) of her son's friends, see if she can work out afterschool care with them, or  figure out a low cost source of aftercare, share the cost with other moms?  If she can afford to go on a cruise but not aftercare for her son, something is wrong. *Seriously.*  The mom needs support, to support her son. Her son is the most important person.  Not knowing any details about the mom's situation, I realize it's easy for me to make these suggestions, but I think the mom needs someone to reach out and help her to brainstorm solutions and look deeper into resources.  Her son is too young to be so alone. If she is refusing to make some changes, I would make a phone call to someone - social serices, local police - someone to pay attention to this situation.

    Child protective services are for protecting children from abuse and neglect. You are assuming leaving a 9 year old home alone is a form of neglect. There is no law in California requiring a minimum age for leaving a child home alone. The state trusts parents to use their best judgment. You should give the benefit of the doubt that his mother is a competent parent. If you are concerned, you may talk discreetly with her to see if you can extend some help, should she want it. Maybe you can gently offer to have the child staying over your house while she is out of town because it would be a pleasure for you and your child? It takes a village to raise a child and she may not have that village. That doesn't make her a neglectful parent, but it often makes a child a responsible child.

    California has no laws about minimum age to be left alone (https://www.workingmother.com/momlife/13683509/what-age-can-a-child-sta…). Maybe offer to have him stay with you during that week? But otherwise I would stay out of it.

    Oh my goodness, she is planning on leaving the nine year old home alone for a week while she goes on a cruise?! That sounds like negligence to me and very dangerous. I understand not wanting to report her but   I don’t think you can allow that to occur. If you don’t want to involve CPS could you at least let her know that you are aware of her plans and that it’s “unfortunately” illegal in this country to leave a minor alone for that long and offer to host him for the week?  If she’s from another country it is very possible it’s a cultural difference and she doesn’t realize. I also know that sometime CPS can cause more harm then help. But under no circumstances would I let that 9 year old be home alone for a week with no one checking in on him:(

    This is neglect and should be reported to CPS. You can also talk to a teacher or counselor at school (who are mandated reporters and are required by law to report neglect and abuse) and they could report, but it is better if CPS gets the info from you. Leaving a child at home alone for days on end to go on a cruise is neglect. It is not just a "different approach to parenting", it is objectively neglectful. Report it.

    His mother is prepping him to stay at home alone for seven days while she goes on a cruise? That is patent neglect and you have an ethical obligation to report it. Please contact your school’s principal - he/she is a mandated reporter and will know what to do. Neglect is not a cultural practice, it is abuse. 

    The hanging out in the school yard after school is less egregious - depending on how safe the school yard is, that alone might not rise to the level of neglect for a nine year old (although it seems obvious it is emotionally damaging for this child). But leaving him alone for a week is outrageous. Please, please report this. 

    That is very troubling and I think would qualify as neglect - especially going on a cruise and leaving the child alone for multiple days. Is there a family resource person at your school?  I would go to that person and let them know. 

    Hello.  I am a psychotherapist and parent.  I appreciate your thoughtfulness and consideration of culture and his mother being single.  You are clearly concerned, as well as looking for the positive in this family.  It sounds like there is a lot of both!  I feel strongly that this is very serious child neglect.  Prepping to be left alone for 7 days while his mother is on a cruise is child abandonment.  It sounds like she is putting her own desires before her child's basic needs and this requires intervention unfortunately.  As sad as it seems, I would recommend calling your local Child Protective Services and reporting all of the details you've given.  You can do it anonymously if you prefer.  They won't argue with you if you decide to.  Feel free to write for further support.  I feel very concerned about this child!  Good job reaching out!   

    I will add that, while there are no minimum ages by law for a child to be left home alone while a parent works, for example, going on a cruise is another story.  

    GenXer here. Since 2nd grade I came home to an empty house. Practiced piano. Watched Star Trek. Played with neighborhood kids. 

    When my folks had to leave town for a funeral we had neighbors check in on us- or maybe we stayed with them. 

    Why not invite this BBF for the week- is that possible? Then have them over for dinner/lunch to get to know mom.

    Btw, calling CPS with incomplete information- uh, that’s cultural. Learn more first.  

    Reporting means potentially foster care and that would not be an improvement over what you describe. It is also possible that the mom doesn't trust the after school program for some reason or that he hates it - my kids were very happy to catch AC transit home alone rather than go to after school care but that was in 7th grade).  Is is possible for you to extend some support to this kid? invite him over after school? strengthen the connection between him and your son? Weekend time?

    This is your son's BFF. I'd try other approaches before reporting it.  I would definitely reach out to the mom and see if she'd be open to you having him stay with you (if you're able to accommodate) while she's gone. People in some cultures may prefer to have their kids be on their own vs. stay with a non-family member, and maybe this mom doesn't have any family around? I know, still doesn't sound right to have a kid be all alone for several days. If she doesn't want him to stay with you, then maybe you could offer to take him home each day that week and make sure he is safe and fed? 

    I definitely think it is odd that she'd be leaving him alone while she goes on a cruise (!). I'd be more understanding if it were an overnight business trip or something,but I still would find it alarming. 

    As for the daily hanging around the schoolyard, if she's ok with him being left for 7 days, why can't someone take him home so he can wait for her until she gets back? There are services that drive kids from place to place, which would be less costly than after-care. 

    Again, this is your son's BFF, so I'd be more inclined to try and be helpful to the mom. She may not realize that this would be cause for alarm and that someone would report her.

    I would suggest that you offer to take care of this kid after school. If he gets along with you son, they will have fun together, and the kid will have someone watching over him. 

    I have the impression from your post that  you may be wondering if this is a cultural issue. Many immigrant Chinese parents give a lot of responsibility and independence to their children out of necessity. But the level of isolation you describe is quite unusual.  Usually it's a case of several siblings looking after each other for a few hours, with a nearby adult family member available by phone in case of emergency.  But every Chinese family I know arranges for after-school tutoring, lessons, or extracurricular activity, even the impoverished ones.  None would leave a child alone for 7 days. I can't think of any that would think this is proper parenting. It's not active abuse, but it is neglect. However, I don't know if it meets the criteria for the legal definition of neglect. And you'd want to try every other option before you make a report.

    So there's probably something else going on. Is the mother emotionally damaged? proud? unresourceful? paranoid? won't accept help? Hard to say without knowing more. I think you are right to be concerned, and correct in wondering how best to improve the situation. From what you describe, his emotional health may be at much more risk than his physical safety. He's spending hours alone and hiding.  All that time without any stimulation, and that's time he could be spending learning, playing with other kids, or browsing in a library.  If he's grieving the absence of his father, all the more reason for him to have something to do. His mother could at the least hire someone or get a friend to drop him at the local library.

    One place to start--talk in person with a school counselor and see what they can tell you about the child, the family, resources they can offer, what's already been tried, how open the mom might be to you as parent of his best friend. Confidentiality is an issue, but facial expressions and body language may tell you those things that can't be said.

    From there you can decide on the best approach. One option is to offer to give the child a ride, or to invite the child over to your house once or twice a week after school to start.  Later, you could offer to have him stay at your house during the cruise. (Obviously that is a big offer and quite an imposition on you.)  You should only do this if it feels right to you. 

    I felt fine reading your post... until I got to the part about the cruise. Leaving a 9yo alone after school seems ok to me (the whole evening is unfortunate, but still within acceptable bounds to me). The cruise, however, is way past acceptable bounds in my mind. I would say something to the mom like “we would love to have X stay with us while you’re on the cruise. The two boys would have a blast.” But I would also follow that up with something like “I hope you’ll take me up on this, because otherwise I will feel very conflicted about how to make sure he is safe.”  If she resolutely declines your offer, I would check in on the boy daily anyway and also inform the principal. 

    Hi - this does raise concerns but before reporting a parent to CPS and sending him/them into that system, why not talk to the mom and find out what is going on. Maybe the kid’s perspective is just one piece of the picture. At the very least, and because you care, talk to the mom before taking any action based on incomplete info. Imagine how you would feel if someone saw you do/say something they didn’t approve of and decided to call CPS. 

    I am shocked at the number of respondents who suggested staying out of it. It is not OK. The friend is a child; neglectful parents leave children at home by themselves for a week, although maybe it is the natural progression of not putting a 9 year old in an afterschool program and getting away with that. However, it is not your job to determine if this obvious neglect rises to the level of abuse. That is the job of social services (CPS) - google the number for your county and call today. You can ALSO discuss it with the teacher and the principal. You can ALSO invite the child to stay at your house for a week. But there will be a next time, and a next time, and who knows how the child is really doing with all this. It is CPS' role to ascertain the real situation. Just call.

    One possibility to consider is that there may a misunderstanding about the boy being left home alone for 7 days. Unless you've heard this from mom, I wouldn't jump to conclusions too quickly.

    A report should be made to the police or CPS if you suspect child abuse. From what you said, it doesn't sound like there has been abuse.  You said he does well in school, and I am guessing he attends school regularly and isn't showing up hungry or dirty. So, there isn't cause to suspect abuse right now. It's awful that the mom might leave the boy alone for a week, but her thinking about it isn't abuse either. However, if she does end up leaving him alone for days, then that should be reported to CPS. (Are you sure there won't be a relative or family friend who will stay with the boy at night while mom is gone?) For now, I would suggest that you talk to the school principal. The principal has likely dealt with many different family situations through the years.  Maybe he/she could reach out to the boy's mom to tell her about resources available in the community, as well as make it clear that it's not okay to leave a child alone for a week. At the least, the principal should be made aware that a student is hanging out on the yard for hours after school without adult supervision. 

    It’s so kind of you to notice and care about your son’s friend.  And your intuition seems really on point - that there may be a cultural difference and the boy is mature.  Before calling on outside agencies that sometimes create more problems than help, I would reach out to the mother to share what you’ve observed, that you care and want to help, and ask for a more thorough picture. 

    I grew up with a single mother who worked multiple jobs and side first grade, I was responsible for coming home from school by myself and doing my homework alone until my mom came home in the evenings. At age 7, I was fully capable of making myself a snack or dinner sandwich and studying to stay at the top of my class. I always felt loved and cared for by my mom, whose quality time with me was more important than the quantity. She was fully present in the evenings and weekends, when she talked to me about my classes, my friends, what I learned from them, what I wanted to do differently because there was a better way, etc.

    My mom (and I) would have been devastated if someone called CPS on her because she was leaving me at home for long periods. And I would have been traumatized by being separated from my mom if CPS took me away temporarily.  My mom would have lost time at work, lost the little bit of money she earned to make ends meet, and lost the important moments of  quality time with me that we always had. If someone was concerned about me, I think we would have very much appreciated that person making an effort to reach out and talk with my mom directly rather than calling authorities on us. 

    If she teaches 2 courses at university, she's probably not a professor but an adjunct and likely makes less than 40,000$ a year. Her living and financial situation might be in flux with her husband leaving. My point is, you don't know any of this for sure and seem to get all your information from her child. If you really care, I would suggest getting to know the mum of your son's BFF and maybe learn about her situation first hand rather than making it worse. Ask her how she is doing. Please don't report a struggling single mum without even talking to her. Also, depending on the child, it is in my opinion okay to leave a 9-year-old alone for a few hours. 

  • This is my first time writing the network and I ask for gentle replies, only, please.

    This situation is so weird, but I'm hoping someone who has experienced something similar to it is willing to comment. Thanks in advance for reading! 

    Last year my daughter was with her best friend and her best friend’s mom at a festival that was run by my former employer. The mom knew my former employer and she ran into her. While they were chatting, my former boss asked how I was doing. The mom replied that I was “in my own world” and I “seldom left the house" in front of my daughter. When my daughter got back home, she told me what took place. She is not one to fabricate things like this; I believed her.

    I texted the mom asking her about the conversation, and she wrote back a brief text, downplaying what she said. She wrote that she "was joking and she missed me." (We had never been very close but we had always been on friendly terms.) Moreover, what this mom said about me to my former boss was false—at that time, I was making a bunch of public appearances and I wasn't in my own world whatsoever. 

    We’ve known this mom and her husband for over a decade. We've been kind to them. I was so hurt by her behavior and since then, I’ve had no contact with her. I consider her toxic to my mental health. But of course I allow my daughter to continue her friendship with her best friend. My husband deals with the mom & and dad; he does not wish to serve as a mediator and I can’t force him to do it. 

    My best friend encouraged me to have coffee with this mom. I wish I could do that but I can’t handle a face-to-face meeting with her— I’ve built up too much anger. You see, after I found out about what she said about me, I lost sleep over it for several nights in a row. I have bipolar disorder and the sleep loss triggered symptoms of my illness. I was already under a ton of stress when this happened because it was 3 days before my first book was published. As a result, during the week my book was published (a project that was ten years in the making) I was sleep-deprived and felt humiliated by having someone who I considered a friend say disparaging things about me the way she did.

    I’ve made the major mistake of letting this stupid thing fester. 

    Amazingly, I haven’t run into her yet but it’s only a matter of time. I could write her a letter but I haven’t been able to sit down and write it—it’s ironic since I’m an author. I’m writing our group to see if anyone has had a problem remotely like mine and to learn how you handled it.

    Thanks again for any insights you can share with me! 

    I don't have any direct experience with anything like this, but most of us parents have agreed to put up with people we aren't crazy about, and wouldn't choose to hang out with otherwise (similar to work situations, I guess.) We have certainly all dealt with hearing about things said behind our backs - true or not. I think the number one thing you should focus on is why/how this has gotten under your skin so much, and learning from that in order to help you in similar future situations - basically anytime someone says or thinks something negative about you. You recognize that it's insignificant, but you see that it's still bothering you more than it should. That's the kind of thing therapists can help with a lot. I also tend to care too much about what others think, and it's gotten better over time, but is always an issue for me to keep in mind. In terms of practical concerns, you'll obviously want to make sure your daughter is feeling okay about what she heard. She knows you far better than this person does, and can judge for herself what is true, but a conversation about it never hurts also - you've probably already done that. It's a lesson in the unfortunate fact that people say things about others that aren't necessarily true (we are all guilty of it) and that we have to work on not letting things like that get to us. Also, seeing how this kind of behavior makes people feel is a lesson. The fact that this mom was careless enough to say this in front of your daughter says something about her own character too. For you, besides being the mother of your daughter's friend, she's not someone you have to deal with regularly - not a family member, roommate, coworker, etc. I would try to focus on your own reaction to it in a productive way - recognizing it and hopefully learning and moving on from it, and not focus on the actual content of what she said or even the person who said it - i.e. not meeting with her, writing a letter, or giving the incident any more attention than it's already gotten. 

    I think you are completely overreacting. You say you have been busy writing a book so I imagine that is what she might have meant by saying you were in your own world. You admit you are letting this get to you so the question is why? I suggest a visit to a therapist or your psychiatrist to get some clarity around what I see as a strong reaction to a comment that does not seem to warrant much of anything. Good luck !

    Hi, I see that this has caused you anguish. From my perspective, I wonder if you’re unnecessarily letting the situation / the person get under your skin?  You know your presence in the outside world - the fact that you’re not “hardly leaving the house” or whatever she said. And what does “in your own world” even mean?  I might try to “let it go” a bit more - it doesn’t seem as if she’s continually saying such things, and only she knows what she meant by it. Your behavior pretty well proves that you’re not isolated, if that’s what she meant. And really, what if you were?  That’s not really any of her concern I don’t think. 

    Lots of introverts can 90% of the time seem like they are “in their own world” to others, and in fact much prefer not to go out a lot. If that’s who you are, you’ve probably come to realize by now that we live in a world that misunderstands introverts. 

    If anyone in this situation has a “problem”, I’d say it’s her. I wish you the  best. Mostly, I wish you peace, and sleep...

    It seems to me like you already addressed this with the person who made the comments. I'm not sure what more you can do. I hate to say "let it go" because I've found that hearing that doesn't help at all. But really, that's where you are. My therapist told me to only think about things like this while walking or doing some other form of exercise. She told me to think about something that made me happy (I chose puppies) when I started to obsess during other times. When I can remember to switch to thinking about puppies it helps. When I allow myself to wallow in my irritation, I just get more and more worked up and take it out on other people.

    The bottom line for me is that what you posted here about what she said seems more odd to me than hateful. Why would she say or think something like that? Was it because you were so wrapped up in getting your book done that you really weren't making public appearances that didn't relate to the book? Maybe those truly were her observations and she didn't consider them to be insulting or anything other than the truth. Maybe she really does miss you. Is there a reason why hearing this is so hurtful to you?

    To me her comments don't seem like a big deal. But I don't know the context and can tell from this post that they were a big deal to you. Maybe there's something in your history that would cause you to get so worked up over this? It might be helpful to examine exactly why comments that don't seem like a big deal to strangers are a big deal to you. And maybe once you figure that part out it will be easier to do the impossible and actually let it go.

    I completely understand laying awake at night obsessing over stuff like this. I'm trying very hard to learn techniques to let these things go. It isn't easy and I can't claim 100% success. But this is the only part of the interaction that you can control so you might as well start there.

    I think what she said to your former employer reflected badly on her, not you. I would try to let it go and minimize contact with her, as you have done. 

    I'm really sorry that this happened to you, and obviously it has really upset you. What the other mom did was untrue and unkind, particularly in front of your child. Having said that, I would add that people are going to say all kinds of things about other people ALL THE TIME, and honestly, who cares? No, it wasn't nice that your daughter heard it, but it doesn't sound like it affected her that much. Chances are the other mom, though you have no contact with her, has largely forgotten the incident, and for your own mental health I would recommend the same. You are obviously an accomplished author (congrats) with a healthy kid and nice husband, sometimes the best thing to do is count your blessings and move forward. It's clearly not worth all of the anguish it's causing you, and I hope you might be able to process this in therapy or another modality as my guess is that the incident is less about you and this mom and more about other things you are carrying with you in your life that are holding you back and causing you pain. I wish you well!

    These kind of things can really burn! I think you should write a letter, a letter that you won't mail, and put all your feelings into it. Also consider talking to a therapist about this, to help you figure out how you want to move forward and also how you could process a situation like this without endangering your own health further. Recently when someone did something I considered a betrayal I sang along to CeeLo Green's F-You song several times at high volume in the car. I felt much better after that! Once you have really processed this fully you will know whether you want to reach out to her or not. I do think if you reach out to her calmly and let her know it really hurt your feelings that she said those things you will learn a lot from her response. Then you can decide whether you want to continue the relationship. If you decide not to discuss it, when you run into her you can act pleasantly polite and leave it at that. 

    I am not bipolar, but I sympathize with you and might brood over it as well, if only because so many social factors are involved. At worst, it was a casually malicious and bullying* comment, coming from someone you regard as a friend, said in front of your daughter, said in front of her own daughter's B.F., and made to your former employer. At best, she just acted like a jerk. Whatever, she should have called and apologized to you, instead of laughing it off.

    *Assuming you agree with the definition of a bully as someone who tells you, or other people, lies about yourself.

    I'd write her a letter, put it away for a week, read it again, and then decide whether to edit and send it. Good luck with your book, and the next one, too.

    (And, yes, someone I regarded as a casual friend--our girls often hung out together--made some sexist remarks about my daughter to a mutual acquaintance. I wish now that I had said something, instead of just shunning this person. She was too fond of her own cleverness.)

    I'm sorry that this has caused you so much distress, but I have to say that you should think about jumping conclusions about what she said without having been there in person. Like some other commenters, I would agree that it's hard to know exactly what was meant. Even though your daughter was there, she might have misinterpreted the intention.  Do you have a mutual friend who could talk to this person since it sounds stressful to you? 

    As a parallel example, my mom had a separation from a dear friend because my mom was upset by an email that the friend had sent that seemed harmless to me, but made my mom upset and convinced the friend was blowing her off. I tried to convince her to patch things up, to no avail -my mom was convinced. What turned things around was when a mutual friend reached out and it turned out that there was no bad intent, and my mom and her friend patched things up. She was so relieved!

    Anyway, my point is that this person really may have meant no ill intent... perhaps she was genuine in her email that she was joking. If you don't have a conversation (or find someone else to talk to her) then you won't know the real intent.

    On the other hand, if I misinterpreted the situation, you really do think this person was ill-intentioned, then I would follow the suggestions of figuring out how to let this go and move on, perhaps with therapy.  It sounds like you have real reason to celebrate your hard-won success, and it's really unfortunate that these festering feelings are bringing you down. My heart reaches out to you, as I have had my own history of holding on to these things, and I have found it freeing to let the feelings go.

Archived Q&A and Reviews


Questions Related Pages

Teen friend's drinking problem - should I call the parents?

June 2013

My 14-year old daughter's school friend (also 14) has a serious drinking problem. As my daughter tells it, he and his 12-year-old brother both walk home from middle school, at which point the older child raids the family liquor cabinet. He drunk-dialed my daughter at 10 pm last night.

This kid is apparently from a wealthy family (fancy house in a great neighborhood) with two parents who work long hours at professional jobs. They'll be away on a cruise much of the summer. I told my daughter that after school starts, this kid must go to the school counselor at his new high school and get help. If he does not do this within three weeks, I will write a letter to the mom and call her on the phone as well (I set a specific date for this).

Is this the right approach ? I'm very angry that parents would ignore the obvious signs of trouble, and that well-off people would provide so little care for kids when they could could hire a tutor/ babysitter. Should I call the parents before they leave on the cruise- which is what I want to do ? Very Concerned.


I think you absolutely should tell the parents before they go on this cruise. We're not talking about 18-year-olds with drinking issues, which would be bad enough--this is really young, and this is really serious. Not only does this signal very scary addiction issues, but these kids could kill themselves by drinking too much in one sitting. It's not like they're old enough to have a lot of common sense. This is an immediate danger and I would call them today. do it now, I support you!
I think you should definitely tell the parents, and sooner rather than later. Approach them in a sympathetic, non confrontational way, as though they might have no idea about what's going on. Try not to judge them as parents (whether or not you believe they're being neglectful) because you don't want them to be defensive. You just want the best for their son. Tell them what you know, that you thought they would want to know, tell them in person if you can (if you know them well enough) so they can see from your facial expressions that you mean well. I think this news can be hard to hear, and it will feel better if they feel like you're on their side rather than judging them. We have no way to know what goes on inside of a family, but you are very kind to be concerned about this kid. definitely reach out
Ask yourself one simple question: If that was my kid, would I want to know? --Of course you should tell

Neighbor kid smoking pot. Do we tell parents?

Feb 2013

We saw our 15 year old neighbor smoking pot in her backyard with a friend. It was after school. Mom was not home. (Dad lives elsewhere). Do we tell the mom? We are friendly with this family but not close. - I think I'd want to know?


IMO you should definitely tell the mom, and especially if she is a single mom. I was 15 and smoking pot when someone told my parents. My life was in the beginning stages of heading down a path that wasn't going to lead to anything good. My parents becoming aware of what I was doing combined with them taking action quickly, is what stopped me from hanging out with the wrong crowd. anon
Yes. They either know and have dealt with it already so would likely want to follow up. Or they don't know and should. been there
No. Mind your own business. If it were a family member or another family very close to you, that would be different. But since you say you don't know these people very well, then you should butt out and let them handle their children in their own way. J
None of your business. Emilie
Tell them. There's growing evidence that pot impairs certain kinds of memory and learning as well as the perception of ''newness'' in adolescents. An example of this is that when exposed to something new, a teen who smokes pot regularly will not perceive it as often as being new. This process is linked to forms of learning and being able to detect foreground things from background things. Being able to feel ''newness'' in a normal way also makes places like school more interesting.

It's not clear yet if all returns to normal after a teens stop smoking pot. There's another recent study that found some lasting cognitive impairments in teen pot smokers who quit which didn't last in adult smokers, who started smoking pot as adults and then quit.

So anyway, the data's not all in on pot, but it's looking like regular use is not good for teens. And remember the pot in 2013 is really a lot stronger than the pot from the 80's.

If you want more information, look at the CSAM website( California Society of Addiction Medicine). So I'd tell the parents. J


It's interesting the differences of opinion on this one. We seem to live a split culture, where some people lean more to individualist thinking (take care of one's own and leave others in freedom to care for themselves (or not) and a more social/community oriented mindset that feels interdependent and connected to the their community and welfare of others. I don't know where you lie on the spectrum, but if you have a relationship with your neighbors, and have a more social outlook, and care about their children, I would mention it. If you feel like it's none of your business, then stay out of it. I think you ought to do what you feel is right. Heather
If you are talking about the milieu or even safety of your neighborhood, you are technically witnessing a crime. If another hardliner neighbor saw the same thing as you and wanted to, they could call the cops. This could put this teenager's pot use into a whole other realm that may not be good for the family.

But more importantly, if you are talking about the health and safety of this kid (a member of your village, no?) you really need to give his well-being full consideration. As a parent, I may or may not be OK with my teenage son smoking pot, but I would certainly want to know and have the chance to speak with him about the health implications and any restrictions I may need to lay out (i.e. doing it privately, from whom to buy, etc.)

You don't need to be judgmental or give any more information than what you know or saw. You just need to give this kid's parents the chance to do their job and let them know what is going on. This IS your business. Elizabeth


Disliking my kids' friend's mom

Feb 2013

Hi, I'm hoping I can get some good insight here. My kids have a friend who has a mom we really dislike. You wouldn't think this would be too much of a problem, but she is always asking to have my kids over and trying to invite us over for brunch, dinner, etc.. I really don't know how to deal with this. At least one of my kids really doesn't want to go over to their house at all, and frankly neither do I. On top of this she phones me all the time and keeps me on the line. I have told her emailing is better for me, and when that didn't work I started replying to her messages via text, but she keeps calling. I really don't know what to do short of saying, ''Look we really like your kid, but would prefer to not have any unnecessary contact with you'', and it seems like avoiding the calls and invites isn't getting through. I really don't like lying, and I don't want to hurt her feelings either, so I end up being friendly and polite but that is getting me nowhere. Please help! anon


I liked a mom at my daughter's school and I kept trying to get to know her better - I called, emailed, invited her family to dinner. Each time she demurred and eventually I got the message. I was not as insistent as the mom of your kid's friend, but the other mom kept saying no, which is what you must do. However, it would be better if you made it into a blanket refusal, e.g., ''we really don't have time to socialize with the families of our son's friends.'' Or, ''we're really busy and we only have time to see family and very close friends. Thanks so much for asking.'' She will get the message.

Start using your message machine to screen your phone calls.

Your son should decide for himself if he can put up with occasional visits to his friend's house or not. Been there


I am an excessively polite person, and I would never, ever be direct with a person like this for fear of hurting her feelings. But I would draw some boundaries. Here's my advice: Don't answer the phone when she calls and don't return her calls. Decline invitations with a simple I'm so sorry, we're busy. or So sorry but we can't make it. If you do that every time, she will get the message eventually.
Two steps will be useful to deal with her initially. First, don't answer the phone when she calls and let it go to voicemail. Second, give her a reason why telephoning you is not good but e-mail works better.

You just have to stick with not answering the phone when she calls. Instead, call her back in late evening (or e-mail her back instead). Do this a few times. Then if she continues to call, tell her that you are busy during the day or early evening and phone calls interrupt what you are doing and cause you to lose track. Because of this you are no longer taking calls at that time. However, when you want to take a break, you will check your e-mail, so that is a more effective way to communicate with you.

If possible, come up with a reason for your being so busy--new responsibilities at work, decided to reorganize your house, decided to improve meals at your house and are now cooking everything from scratch, trying a new diet which requires you to eat at home, etc. Something (or things) that sound plausible. Then stick with this/these reasons when she invites you over, wants to talk, etc. Just be straightforward about it--don't apologize, just say you don't have the time to talk/go over, etc. If you can be consistent about this approach, she will begin to get the idea. And if you can come up with a plausible diet-related issue, that is another reason why you won't be able to eat at her house.

Also, start planning other activities with your kids (TV night at home) so that your family is almost always busy when she suggests you come over. If necessary, you could tell her that you are making family-at-home time a priority because you felt your family was not together enough. Anonymous


Frankly, your post hit a nerve with me (and I'm sure others will reply similarly as well). You didn't say why you don't like her, but it seems like she's trying to at least make an effort to get to know you since your kids are friends with each other. If you find her so unbearable on the phone, then tell her kindly that ''you have to get to an appt. and will talk later''. If you don't want to do play dates with her children then tell her that you've had a very full schedule lately...then same, the following times. It's really not that hard to get out of play dates.

You may want to take a second notice at your own behavior and dismissal of this woman. It's hardly rude to have to be kind enough to ask someone over for brunch/dinner, want to connect--sounds like a nice gesture that I would personally welcome. Hard to imagine someone being so distasteful that you must avoid them at all costs...and then allow your kids to observe your irritation about it also. lisa


Hi Lisa, I realized after I posted my message that I forgot to explain why I dislike her. It actually took me a long time to put my finger on it because she is actually very nice and friendly. The conclusion I have come to is that she has very poor boundaries, in my opinion, and is quite officious. I could give examples, but in the interest of anonymity, I will not. Anon Mom

Tell friend's mom about boyfriend or not?

April 2012

Here's an interesting dilemma: My 12 year old daughter has a best friend who attends a different school than she does. This friend has told my daughter that a boy asked her to be his girlfriend, and she said yes. The problem is that her mother (and my good friend) has told her daughter that she cannot date and cannot have boyfriends at this time. So, the daughter has not told her mother about this at all, and her mom has no idea (and thus, cannot offer any sort of guidance or support). But *I* know, and my dilemma is, what to do? I am sure this 12-year-old dating thing is benign (I have known this kid her whole life, and am sure it is not a serious thing at this point in time), but it puts me in an awkward situation. Do I keep the secret, knowing my friend's daughter is dating a boy and lying about it, or do I tell the mother (and thus betray my own daughter's confidence in telling me about it)? And while we're at it, what about the same situation if it were not a boyfriend, but trying weed or drinking? At what point do we betray our own children's confidence in sharing information with us in order to protect their friends from harm's way? What is the tipping point? Glad my daughters talk to me!


Don't tell. At this age, ''dating'' someone basically means texting them constantly. And maybe putting yourself as ''married'' on your Facebook status. It is very benign, and it probably doesn't even mean what your friend thinks it means when she forbids ''dating'' someone. I really, really counsel strongly against interfering here.

I understand your concerns about the ''gray area'' (do I tell if I find out she's smoking weed) but really, deal with that problem if and when it happens. This is very different. Leave it alone, other than to tell your daughter you think it's unfortunate her friend can't share this with her parents. Mom of 13 year old ''dater''


I've recently faced a similar issue because my daughter also is good at confiding in me, and I don't want to break that trust. I've decided that I would ''tell'' if the situation placed the other child in any potential danger. A lot of the ''dating'' at that age is a non-issue. My daughter (at around the same age) recently briefly had a ''boyfriend'' but never even got together with him during that time. (LOL) It was very innocuous. In my situation, I know that nothing troubling would happen between the specific girl and boy, that the ''dating'' was more about talking and texting (not ''sexting''), and I decided not to tell. (If there had been any suggestion about possible sex or anything else dangerous, I would have gotten the mother involved.)

That being said, drugs or alcohol is a totally different issue. Even if it is ''only'' marijuana, the confidence will be broken. My daughter knows this, but I think would only tell me because she would want my interference; she is quite outspoken about her objection to drugs and alcohol.

You need to make a personal decision about this. In my situation the mother was a friend, but not a close friend, of mine, and I decided keeping the confidence was more important given the circumstances. Been there


I appreciate your concern, but this is very simple. Let's look at this from another perspective: if *your* daughter were doing something she wasn't supposed to do, and your good friend knew about it and didn't tell you, how would you respond? Personally, I would be very angry at my friend, and I would feel betrayed.

As to how you can talk to your daughter, I think now is the time to say that certain secrets cannot *ethically* be kept from parents for the child's own good. Would you keep a secret of anorexia? Cutting? Drinking? Again, would you want your friends to keep your child's problems from you? Easier said than done, I know, but I think its important. Not into secrets


Myob. She may be going against her mothers orders but there is no immediate safety issue. This is NOT your business. Another mom
The first question is to ask yourself, if your daughter had a boyfriend, was drinking or using drugs, would you want to know. When I was a teen I was experimenting with marijuana. A boy at school who wasn't a close friend told his mom who told my mom and the headmaster. At the time I thought it was intrusive (what business was it of his?) but in retrospect, it got me to stop using, so it was a positive outcome.

Last year my son had a girlfriend and didn't tell me until they were almost ready to break up. I felt like I had really missed the experience of talking with him about his first romantic relationship. I vote on mentioning it to her mom in a non judgemental way. Maybe you could say, ''I heard from Katie that Sonia has a boyfriend...please don't tell her that you heard it from me. I don't want Katie to feel I ''told.'' But, I thought you would want to know.'' BHS mom


There are times when it's important to alert your child's friend's parents about what the friend is doing. This is not one of those times.

Your daughter reported to you that her 12-year-old friend has a boyfriend, which is not allowed by her mother. At age 12, being in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship doesn't necessarily mean much: most likely, they just ''like like'' each other and want to put a label on those feelings. If the girl were sneaking out at night to meet the boy or otherwise endangering herself, then you might want to tell the mom, but why tell her this?

If you want to maintain an open and communicative relationship with your daughter, you need to think very carefully before using the information that she tells you in confidence. If she learns that you went to the mom with this information, she will likely stop confiding in you, and that would be a shame. Anon


You want your daughter to talk to you so you need to keep things confidential unless something is truly life-threatening. What is life-threatening? Drinking to the point vomiting or passing out (alcohol poisoning), reckless sex, heavy drug use, sneaking out at night. If you follow this rule your daughter will understand if you ever have to break her confidence. But, if you break confidence for this, I doubt she will tell you much in the future - and there will be a LOT you might like to know. If your daughter is ever concerned about a friend you can help her to decide whether to go to the friend's parent---and if she is worried she might want to do that. In that case you could support disclosure and there may be times you could get her permission before talking to a parent. Just don't do it without permission. You might be surprised but it wouldn't necessarily lead to a good outcome for anyone. I have to interact with kids and keep their confidence unless the situation is truly dangerous and I think it works best to use this guide. Maria
Typically if my sons tell me something in confidence I use it as a point of conversation with them and let them work it out. Do they feel safe. Do they think their friend is safe. What does it mean to be boyfriend and girl friend. Is it good to lie to your parents. Their answers let me know if intervention is necessary. Perhaps, depending on the circumstances, they can encourage their friend to talk to the other parent. As others have said - if there is no danger I won't tell the other parent. em

Should I confirm the other parents are home when my 14-y-o visits?

Dec 2004

I would appreciate opinions. My 14 year old freshman son has started to develop an independant social circle. The other kids (boys and girls) ,I think ,are ''good'' kids but I haven't met them . They have been going to one of the homes (not mine yet) to watch movies. The rule is that my son is not to be at friends homes if the parent is not there. So far its been a trust thing because he is uncomfortable with me calling the home to chat up the parent (and he gets home on time, etc). So, does this sound appropriate or do I insist on calling. Opinions? one of ''those'' moms


Your instinct to check in with the other parent(s) is absolutely correct. As the ''anti-drug'' and ''stay-in- school'' campaigns assert, affirmative parental involvement is the best way to ensure good outcomes for our teens. (Like many, I'm put off by the occasional tackiness of these campaigns, but on this point they're right on the money.)

As always, have a talk with him to hear his concerns and explain why you think checking in with the parent is important. Strive to come across as ''authoritative'' rather than ''authoritarian.'' Explain that there are larger issues than whether or not you trust him to do the right thing.

You need to know that the other parent(s) actually intend to be present while the kids are there (e.g., do they think it's ok to leave to go shopping, and if so is that ok with you?). Moreover, you don't know them and it seems like a parental duty not only to confirm that you're on the same page but more generally to satisfy yourself that they're safe and trustworty guardians for your son. That would be worth a call in itself even without the issue of your ''parent-present'' rule.

If you are home at times when the kids like to hang out, you might want to tell your son you'd like his friends to feel comfortable coming over to your house as well, and encourage him to invite them. (And follow-up to make it happen if you can.) Meanwhile call the parent(s) at the other home to let them know what you're doing and encourage their son/daughter to come over; this provides a natural opportunity to check in with the other parent about the situation when kids are there, e.g. ''I'm inviting the gang to come over here as well as to your house. I plan to be home when the kids are here...Is that the way you've been handling it too?'')

Bottom line: Reagan's old phrase on arms control: ''Trust. Trust but verify!'' Tim


I'd tell him the truth -- that you trust him, but its unreasonable to expect you to trust people you've never met or even spoken to.

Then I'd give him the choice of inviting the kids to HIS house once or twice, so you can get to know them -- or expect you to call and confirm that a parent is home, until you know which parents you trust.

One of the plusses of this method is that he can pretend you're being unreasonable if he wants, and other kids will understand... the roll of the eyes... the ''its my mother....''.

If you do speak to the other parents you may be pleasantly surprised to find that they also would like to be in the loop, and that each of them also has a kid who says ''no one else does that.''

BTW - if you want kids at your house, invest in food. Good snacks more than balance any amount of parental supervision at this age. Heather


Although your son sounds reasonably responsible, I'd opt for making that call! My son also was embarrassed, or so he said, about my calling other boys parents. While in calling the parents, I usually found that my son was honest about who was home, etc. I was also able to make contact with these parents, who over the long-term,were valuable contacts in regard to what my son/their son(s) were up to, what their parenting policies were, etc. You might want to know what kind of parents they are -- some kids I have known are allowed access to the liquor cabinet, for example -- something I'm not comfortable with AT ALL. Your son is not the only embarrassed kid on the block, and you're not just ''one of those moms,'' you are one of the few who are taking an active interest in their children's upbringing. He'll get over the embarrassment, even if he doesn't think so! Anon
I think it is sad how parents lose touch with the parents of their kids friends when their kids get to be teenagers. I think we can be better parents if know the other parents and consult with them. If you are on a friendly basis, then it will be easier to talk when something serious comes up. I recommend calling. The other parents probably want to be in touch with you too, but are feeling reluctant for similar reasons. Don't let your teenager control who you call on the phone.
Yes, call. You don't need to say you are checking up - just say you are wondering what rules they have for their kid, trying to figure out where to draw the line, what do they do in this particular situation, etc. We parents have to stick together! I am a shy person and it was hard for me to call people I didn't know, especially once the kids were 15, 16, 17. Sometimes I felt like I was the most paranoid fearful person on earth. Sometimes I wanted to call but didn't. But now that mine are 19 and 22 I can see in retrospect that checking in with their friends' parents was the single best thing I did during that period. I learned so much from other parents. Just staying in touch by phone, getting a reality check with other parents now and then, and most improtantly laying the groundwork so that I felt OK about calling the very few times when they didn't come home, or there was some alcohol/drug episode, etc. One parent asked me if she could call me late at night just in case she didn't know where her son was, and that emboldened me to do the same. We only did it once, but it felt good to know that I was supported in my worry and had someone I could call instead of just biting my fingernails at home alone. The kids complained about being spied on, but really, we were able to give them more independence because we felt there was a network of parents looking out for them. And ultimately, I think the kids eventually really did appreciate that we were just trying to protect them from harm, not spoil their fun. anon
To ''one of those moms''...keep up the good work and keep checking in with the parents of your teen's friends. It is a drag and somewhat akward to call parents you don't know but it is necessary. I tell my kids that I do trust them AND I want the opportunity to get to know the parents of their friends. Susan
Insist on calling. It's the only way to be absolutely sure about what's going on. You must be ''on the same page'' with other parents. I had two girls come over once and then around 8:30 p.m. they were leaving and I asked why. They said one of the girls' father was picking them up at the corner. I said OK. The next morning BOTH fathers called my house looking for their daughters. They had told their respective fathers they were spending the night at our house! So, they were out all night, no one knows where, doing what, or with whom. My daughter was left out of the loop of at least going with them. These girls were around 16 yrs old. So I made a pact with these dads and other parents to ALWAYS talk to each other when our children were making plans together. It freaks me out to think what could've happened that night. Unfortunately, one of the dads blamed me, but he was an unreasonable hothead in denial. Anyway, I vote for talking with other parents even if my child may experience some embarrassment. anon.

17-y-o drinking with friend - I don't know the parents

Sept 1999

I need to know how to talk to the parents of my son's friends when there is a problem. I know their names, but I don't know them. I am kind of a shy person, and I need to know what to say, and how to say it - I mainly just want to let them know about the problem. My son, nearly 17, seems to be experimenting with alcohol. On a rare trip into his room to fetch dirty laundry, I found an empty bottle of tequila that he took from the pantry months ago that I never missed. I asked about it, and he told me reluctantly that he and his friend had been drinking it over several weekends when the friend slept over. I had a long conversation with my son, and I feel OK about the outcome, but I feel that I should call the friend's parents and let them know about this. But I am really uncomfortable bringing it up, and I don't have any idea how to phrase it. I like their kid, and I don't want it to seem like I am blaming them - really I feel responsible for leaving liquor lying around. If it were the other way around, I would want the parents to let me know. So, does anyone have suggestions about how to word this? - Anonymous mom


In response to the parent who is shy about calling her son's friend's parents...I support you in making the call. It's very important that our teens know that their parents care about them, and that parents talk to each other.As you know partents have different values, and you have to be prepared for a response that may not fit with your concerns.But chances are the parent will be very happy that you called. When my oldest son was in BHS I was more hands off but I see now that it was a mistake. I would certainly want a call so I too could have a conversation with my son about his drinking.Many of our kids are experimenting with substances, and some of them are doing more and are in trouble. It's important to know the difference. Here's what I say, Hi I'm so and so's mother and I understand our teens are friends.I have some information about some drinking they've been doing if you're interested in talking with me. You may then have to tell her not to reveal the source, depending on what you and your son have agreed on. Once she here's your concerns she can find a way to talk with her son, even if she doesn't use the specifics. I really have appreciated it when parents have kept me informed. As parents we all have our blind sponts, and of course we make many mistakes. If we would help each other more, our job would be a little easier. If the parent you call doesn't want to talk with you, then you had better keep a good eye out when your son hangs out with him. Good-luck and thanks for bringing up such an important issues. a mom
What I did in a similar kind of situation was tell the friends that I was going to speak with their parents, but would give them 48 hours to do so first. It worked pretty much to my satisfaction. -- Dana
Re: Calling friend's parents: First, we had the same experience with alcohol. Naively our cupboard was the wellspring for a good bit of drinking. Being low consumers of alcohol, the whisky kept for a once a year hot toddy or the vodka I use to soak a Christmas cake were gradually drained and replaced by colored water. Sadly, other parents often think it's your child who is corrupting theirs- in other words, everyone looks for who is the bad influence when the truth is they're all volitional most of the time. (It's hard to face our children's own desire to be wild or defiant or use drugs and alcohol.) My child told me that the 12 year old sister of his good friend (15) drank heavily. She was skating on the parent's fantasy that my child went over there and drank their beers. (Which he probably did from time to time.) How to tell them- Straight on. I have some information I think might be helpful to you and you child. You may not like what I'm about to tell you but from the best of my knowledge I believe it's true and I would want to know from you if you knew anything you think I should know. I believe we have to support the kids by sticking together as parents. Then they'll have to do what they do.

And you have to decide what to do on your end. We decided to take matters into our own hands (even if only symbolically) and tell the kids that came here that the were not to touch any alcohol in this house. We kept an eye on how many beers were in the refrigerator and confronted my child if the numbers changed. (WHich they now and again seemed to do.) THe kids at least knew we were watching. Some people get rid of all the alcohol in their home. At times we just didn't have anything here. GOod luck. Be glad your kid told you.- WR


I realize (in hindsight of course) that talking directly to my child and my child's friend in an open, friendly atmosphere can alleviate certain problems. In high school, especially by the time your child is a junior, teenagers become very independent-thinking, and need to be talked to as reasonable adults. For example, invite your child's friend over for dinner, have a friendly open discussion about how you feel about teenagers drinking in your house, and bring up the ground rules, asking them to respect those ground rules. Don't lecture, but be friendly, and ask them what they think about many things, drinking in general, etc. Teenagers feel they don't need lectures from parents and they certainly don't want their parents calling their friends' parents with tales. However, alcohol consumption is serious, heavy and very prevalent at BHS (also at every other high school in the bay area, so we're not a special problem in that way). But close monitoring is necessary, and if it's truly serious, yes, you may have to call other parents to discuss the situation. I've talked with parents to gauge how they feel about their kids drinking, if they stay around on weekends when their kids have friends over, etc., and in this way try to get to know the parents better. I am not shy talking to other parents about my child or theirs for we share a very common bond, as parents of teenagers, and it's okay to ask for a parent's phone number, believe me, most parents understand the need, and you must get over shyness if your first concern is your child's ultimate safety and the safety of all his friends. It's important you network with other parents on those occasions when trouble occurs (your child may have a friend's personal phone number, not a parent's, so talking personally to a parent and getting their phone number is helpful). I think you should be up front with your son about calling a friend's parent when there's a problem so he can feel responsibility for your actions--if he continues to drink with his friend in your home, you will call the parent and let them know what's going on. If he knows your actions, his reaction won't be as awful should he find out you called without telling him, or forewarning him. So, my point here is to continue to communicate with your son directly about his responsibility and his interactions with his friends. I hope this is helpful to you. --jahlee
response to anonymous who was worried about how to approach the parents of the probably drinking buddy: You phrased it beautifully yourself. Take the last part of what you wrote here--the bit about feeling awkward and concerned, and say that first. Then say what you wrote first. You come across as caring, worried about being intrusive, and clear. Go for it. -- Betty