Archived Q&A and Reviews
- Getting in touch with high school boyfriend
- Googled my old boyfriend - will he find out?
- Attraction to ex-boyfriend
- More Advice about Adult Friendships
- Ex-Wives and Ex-Husbands
Getting in touch with high school boyfriendApril 2005
Lately, I have been wondering about people from my past, especially my high school boyfriend. I should indicate that I am happily married, and have no interest in pursuing anything romantic with my ex. I just want to know how he is doing, and maybe be friends. I think the reason I want to connect with him is because I feel bad about the way I treated him in high school and afterwards when he tried to reconnect with me in college (I am now 29). I would like to apologize and rectify my wrong doings. Has anyone done this? I don't want to give him the wrong idea, so I'm not sure I should do it. Any advice would help! anon
I say go for it. My very long-term college boyfriend, whom I dumped and hurt very badly and haven't seen in over 10 years, recently Googled me, found my e-mail address, and contacted me over e-mail. So I can speak to how it feels to be on the other side of things. I had been curious about him too, so I was really glad to make contact again. We spent a few nights e-mailing photos and updates about our lives (we are both also happily married with children)and, yes, apologies about how we both made mistakes and feel badly about them now. His stated reason for contacting me was to find out if I was doing okay, and I'm sure that was a part of it, but I suspect that he also wanted to have a chance to show me how well he is doing and how lucky his wife is (he looks great, has a really well-paying job and lavishes a lot of vacations and gifts on his wife). But that was fine with me. I was happy to see that he is doing well, even though he achieved his intended or unconscious goal of creating some jealousy on my part. Who knows? Your ex-may enjoy a similar opportunity to let you know that he is doing really well now. Anyway, my point is that I think it was a positive experience on both sides, didn't evolve into anything more than a few e-mails, satisfied curiosity, and relieved guilt. anon
you can try a google search or zabasearch.com for addresses, phone #'s etc, which may or may not be up to date. or if you know his parents' address or phone number that may even be better. I did this years ago, thinking that I was a bit of a jerk, and I wrote a letter. After 3 or 4 months, he wrote me a deservedly semi-nasty letter back, then bygones were bygones, and we communicated a little bit, then i lost touch again. if you want to do this, i'd suggest that a) you make it extremely clear that you're not looking for a relationship, and b) you just want to apologize. don't count on having a friendship with him, but you can feel good about ''resolving'' your past lack of politeness. my experience is that most men who are happily involved may not get around to writing back, and those who are single or unhappily involved will contact you, but will ALWAYS have in the back of their mind a hope of sexual contact-not necessarily a relationship. which can be a little awkward. ps. i would not even consider doing this without being upfront with your husband. anon
I went through something similar but I definatly had some romantic feelings, although mostly it was a desire to go back to those carefree days of youth. Are you sure you just want to say sorry? Are there not other reasons? How would you feel if your husband wanted to get in touch with his ex? Have you told your husband? I have a feeling he would not be real into the reunion. I say don't do it. What helped cure my wanting to get back in 'touch' with my highschool love was remembering why I dumped his sorry ass in the first place, then I was like 'I can't believe I'm romanticizing/fantasizing about that jerk!' -hey don't get me wrong he was great in many ways and we were very young and foolish, but some chapters in life need to stay closed. At least while you are married.
I have had that curiosity myself, and by a weird twist of a chance meeting, my husband and I actually have dinner from time to time with my high school sweetheart and his lovely wife. It feels like getting together with an old family friend, though I maintain a healthy emotional distance. I also connected a while back with my old college flame (THE one), and after wonderful email discussions he almost cratered his marriage in wanting to meet with me. So I've seen it go both ways. That being said, I want to caution you about your intentions. There is actually emerging research in this area that suggests that people ''imprint'' on their first loves, and many, in going back to reconnect, find those old feelings emerge with an intensity akin to parental bonding. If you are truly happy in your marriage, tread carefully in this area, because more and more marriages are breaking up due to this ''lost love'' phenomenon. Some important questions to ask yourself are: why are you wanting to connect with him at this time? Why now? Why are you desiring to be friends with this particular person, now? What needs are you hoping will be met by this interaction or relationship? How would your husband feel about this, and do you plan to tell him your plans for this new friendship? If you are simply wanting to apologize for past behavior and wish him well, you could write him a letter. If that for some reason is not satisfying to you, ask yourself why. Good luck. Susan
Don't go there. Find another way to assuage your guilt, or wait 'til your 20th anniversary high school reunion to apologize. Look at it this way: whatever dynamic made you ''treat him badly'' in high school and later in college either is still there or is no longer there. If it's still there, you'll wish you hadn't contacted him (and possibly raised his hopes). If it's not there, you'll wish you hadn't contacted him (and possibly threatened your marriage). Let it go. Older and Wiser
I have experience from the other end - the man who hurt me at age 19 recently contacted me after running across my name on the internet because of my work. He wanted to apologize after all these years; says that being able to talk to me about what happened and say sorry will bring him peace in addition to having a need/desire to know that I'm doing ok. We have been in touch now for a month or so and I still haven't decided whether its a good thing or not. There is a strong potential for trouble with these situations if there was any idea that the relationship may not have filled out its potential in the past, in my opinion, so maybe that is where you need to focus (whether you are happily married or not, I know that for my friend, being in contact with me has brought up questions regarding his own marriage which he considered fine before and he never thought would be a consequence of contacting me). Also, I know that him showing up again in my life, beyond the complex idea of being friends again, has opened up a chapter in my life that I had closed and am not sure I like having to re-visit. If you are only doing this to make yourself feel better, please think about the kind of emotional issues this may bring up for him - he may not want to re-visit the past and whatever happened between you. My life has certainly had more emotional turmoil recently because of him and I wish he had thought more about the consequences of contacting me before he did it. Best of luck regardless. anonymous
This website is free, but I think it only finds people who have previously or currently own a home: ZABASEARCH.com You can also register to any of those high school alumni websites. Classmates.com has worked for me, but only if the friend you're looking for is registered himself. Otherwise,you can ask around to those signed up at Classmates.com about your friend(s). As for advice on finding your ex- does your husband know about this? If not, I would advise you to talk to him first! Make sure he will not feel threatened, and sneaking around would make him mistrust you. As for making sure your ex is not misled, make sure he knows up front your intentions! You say you treated him negatively in the past- poor guy, don't do this to him again! Be up front about your intentions and it should go well. Good luck! Anon
I'm a good 10+ years older than you, but I clearly remember reaching a similar point in my life, analyzing, wanting to right the wrongs, realizing how badly I behaved in certain situations. I also think these feelings are what drives us to hold and attend reunions. I also have an ex I'd like to apologize to, but cannot track down. I also think I deserve an apology from another ex... I think it's okay - just good karma, and ensure that you set the right tone in the way you choose to make contact. Maybe he'll appreciate the effort, maybe he won't. If you absolutely have no other agenda (or are very honest with yourself about your true motives), then why not? It's about making amends, feeling good about the changes you've made, the ability to understand and go forth and live a better life, right? Another One
Googled my old boyfriend - will he find out?November 2004
I did something that is now freaking me out. I was idley surfing the web when I typed in an old boyfriend\x92s name (first love) and surprisingly it hit on a website. The main issue is that I hope he cannot tell if someone hit his website. Do any of you know if a website owner can tell who has visited their home page?? I would be so embarrassed if he ever thought I carry a torch for him (I\x92m happily married!) but seeing his picture on the home page sure did stir up old memories (it\x92s been over 15 years since last seeing him) ---hence the feeling of freaking out. I regret even connecting to this person in this way and hope that he cannot tell I made that ''connection.'' Any comforting ideas you can send to me? anonamous
It is EXTREMELY unlikely that our ex-boyfriend will be able to tell that you visited his website. IF he hosts his own website (i.e. it's not geocities or something like that), he MAY be keeping logs that would tell him the IP addresses of the people who visited his page. If he was so inclined (and most people are not) he could find out who the IP address was assigned to and come up with the name of your provider (e.g. sbc.com and perhaps the name of your computer). Now unless you've named your computer with your own name, that still won't tell him who the computer belongs to. For that he would have to contact your provider and most would ask for a court order before giving him the information.
Now, given that he probably gets quite a few hits from random people, it's EXTREMELY unlikely that he would do this, and so I would relax.
BTW, looking up old boyfriends or old friends is an extremely common use of the internet :) anon
I am fairly sure that only your IP address will be logged, and depending on your internet access provider and set up at home, you may have a permanent IP address or one randomly assigned to you everytime you log on. I doubt very much he is combing through his weblogs, anyway. Don't worry! People look up old boyfriends/girlfriends/friends all the time, there is nothing shameful about it. I recently googled one of my old boyfriends and learned that he is now the managing editor of Hustler Magazine! anon
It's highly unlikely that he could tell you went to his web page. Many web sites will log the IP address of the computers requesting web pages, but that's all. Not more personal than that. He might be able to trace that IP to whomever you use for an ISP (dial-up or DSL etc), so could figure out it was from the bay area, but not all the way to you. Plus most places that host a small web site for you don't give you access to these logs, and even if they do the logs are way too boring to look through unless he had a real reason to look for something specific. So don't worry about it! Mike
Attraction to ex-boyfriendOctober 2003
Hello - I just found out my ex-boyfriend got married over the weekend. He was the first person I fell in love with (I was in my early twenties) and I was distraught when he had to leave the country for a job opportunity. I was heartbroken for a long time - years. He and I had limited contact except for one occasion several years later at a mutual friend's wedding where he told me he was still in love with me and he was saddened that we didn't work out. I was not happy to hear this as I was engaged and my fianc\xe9 was in the next room. I tried to blow off that conversation and even suppressed it, angered that this was coming out at a friend\x92s wedding and I was no longer single.
I love my husband but he's so different from the first man I fell in love with and that's depressing me. It's horrible to say but I was passionately, sexually aroused by my first boyfriend and I haven\x92t been passionately, sexually aroused by my husband. I fell in love with my husband for his wonderful personality, loving and caring nature among many other qualities. Sexually desiring my husband didn\x92t really make a big difference to me until now.
Is this normal? Am I a candidate for marriage counseling? Do people still think about their first love? Do you ever compare the two people? Does everyone desire their husband or wife and are passionately/sexually attracted to him or her? Again, I love my husband and I don't know what I would do without him. We have a sex life it's just not what it was with my ex.
Thanks in advance for reading and providing any advice or thoughts. anon
I had a very similar experience. My last real boyfriend before I found my husband was someone to whom I felt an enormous sexual attraction. He didn't always treat me well -- even cheated on me -- and was kind of dysfunctional, but I was deeply attracted to him and it took me a very long time to get over him.
I, like you, fell in love with my husband because of his kindness and personality. but never felt that overwhelming sexual attraction. And for a long time I fantasized about that old boyfriend -- even though I loved my husband and didn't know what I would do without him. But now, after 13+ years of marriage and the birth of a child, my perspective is really different. I would MUCH, MUCH rather have a kind, funny, gentle, generous partner who makes a great father and is supportive of me as a total person, than an overwhelmingly sexy partner. Sexual attraction just doesn't matter that much.
I saw that old boyfriend earlier this year, and not only felt nothing, but was really glad I didn't end up with him. My husband and I have a very good chance of remaining married for the whole of our lives. That old boyfriend and I would probably be divorced by now. My husband and I briefly saw a marriage counselor, right after our child was born, to work on rebalancing work/household chores and other issues (divorce was never a question). As I explained it to that therapist, I chose my husband with my head first, my heart second, and my body last. She not only didn't think it was an issue that I didn't have that sexual attraction, she seemed to think I had made my choice in a very good way.
So even though what you feel is confusing, I don't think it's anything to be terribly concerned about. anonymous
I went through a very similar situation. The fact that I was still in ''love'' with my ex-boyfriend did not help an already troubled marriage. I don't even know that it was love. Lust might be a more appropriate description. I think if I had married the right man I would have eventually been able to forget about the previous relationship. Since you already have the right man, maybe you and husband can can work on improving on the sexual and romantic component of your marriage.
That being said, I know it is hard to forget about certain people sometimes. I have been to counseling after the divorce to discuss ''the special man'' and it did not help. Hopefully, someone else can come up with suggestions on how to forget unforgettable people. anon
When I look around, I see that not everyone is passionately sexually attracted to their partners all the time, I think people get attracted, sexually, to many other people all the time, but suppress what goes on inside them. People also choose life partners for other reasons besides sexual passion, not realizing it until something stirs us later, like an old boyfriend.
Some of these passionate attractions that get us in the gut can also be teasers and not realistic. If they were consummated, other unseen issues would arise and the fantasy of passion would fade. I chased an old female friend who I was in love with for 10 years, and when I was finally single again and available, she professed extreme desire. Long story short, she avoided me constantly in reality but talked desire and intention on the phone. I chased her and waited for a year before she chose someone who would obviously hurt her and even then she still said we would get together someday.
My current partner and I have very different wants for physical affection and I did not see this until recently. She is an awesome mom and incredible human, yet she leaves me desiring more often. What you are feeling I think happens much more than we would guess. Some people try to find solutions with intense honesty to their partners. Relationships I think will always get intense and test us to our very core with something we do not perceive until we are in the relationship deeply. My partner and I have talked about an open relationship, but have never done it. We share attractions we experience with others openly to each other in an air of trust and understanding and that has been very healthy for us. I think this is an issue that has yet to reach a place of understanding and maturity with all of us in our modern society. There is more fear and suppression going around than we would like to acknowledge. Love your partner and yourself and I hope you find wisdom and a good solution for your heart and tummy. rlitt
Having an attraction for someone you once loved so deeply is completely normal. However, if you find yourself constantly comparing your husband to your ex, and if you feel you are less happy with your husband than you would have been, had you married your ex, this is a problem. Ask yourself - is my attraction for my ex affecting my marriage? If the answer is ''yes,'' then I think counseling is a good idea.
Not marriage counseling, but just talk to a counselor who will help you explore why you don't feel as happy as you believe you would be with another man. Many times, we blame our dissatisfaction with life on our lover or spouse, when in reality, this unhappiness is due to our own loss of purpose or sense of being unaccomplished.
Once you have worked through these issues with yourself, then you can decide whether marriage counseling is appropriate. I would highly recommend sitting down with your husband and telling him that you have not been happy lately. Don't blame him, but let him know you are going to seek counseling to try and sort it all out in your mind. If he's a loving man, he will be more than supportive of your efforts to be happy and you may fall deeper in love with him than you ever loved your ex.
good luck. Anon
Boy, do I know how you feel, although in my case the attraction is to an ex-girlfriend, and it's an emotional attraction, not sexual. She was my high-school girl friend for 3 years 30 years ago. It was your typical hot and heavy high-school relationship. What hurts is not that we're not together now, since we probably weren't ultimately really right for each other, but rather that now she refuses to have any contact with me for reasons I can't figure out. Even now, 30 years later, I constantly have dreams in which I meet up with her in bizarre situations, and ask her why she won't talk to me. What's really strange about this is that she ended up as the leader of one of the mainstream religions in the USA, a position that I would have assumed would require endless compassion and empathy. All I'm asking for is a phone call every once in a while and maybe a get together every year or so. I am not looking for anything sexual.
So, to answer your question, you're not alone. Helplessly Hoping
Your feelings are normal and, in some ways, I think we all idealize our first real love. My relationship with my husband is similar to your situation. I love my husband and couldn't imagine life without him, but we don't have a very passionate relationship. The things I was looking for in a husband were different that what I wanted in a boyfriend -- and it is hard to ''find it all''. My husband is loving, thoughtful, patient, caring, a wonderful father and even cute. But, there isn't a lot of sexual chemistry and we have a very mediocre sex life. Though I am not attracted to anyone else (ex-boyfriend or otherwise), I have been thinking about the chemistry that I have shared with previous partners. I do long for that in some way, though I don't quite know where to go from here. Sounds like we are both good candidates for therapy or counseling! It can't hurt! Anon
I think it's very normal to carry on a certain amount of attraction to former lovers. I'm happily married, but still think of old boyfriends from time to time. Of my early boyfriends, one died and one discovered himself to be gay after we parted ways, and I still find myself thinking about both of them, what I loved, what I wish had worked, etc. I try not to compare the old loves to my husband, even though that is very hard sometimes. The fact is, love is love, and you are who you are. Loving people in the course of your life is part of making you who you are. Those relationships are always with you in one way or another. However, if you really find yourself distracted by the past and your old love to the point at which it is distracting you from your current life with your husband, you may need to talk to someone in greater depth about what keeps you attached to the past. Happy with the here and now
There was a weird time in my life, in my mid to late 30's, when I became absolutely obsessed with another guy while in a long-term marriage. This wasn't a former boyfriend but I think it is relevant because in retrospect I am amazed and horrified how easily I created fantasies in my head about me and this other guy being together. It was clearly a romance made in hell, never could have worked, no way, but at the time, it was all I could think about for months and months. In my mind he was so irresistable and the perfect one for me. I manufactured all these little opportunities to see this guy and talk to him and just be in the same room he was in. It got to the point where I was basically stalking him. I misinterpreted everything he said to me, and all of his actions, so that I heard him saying things to me that he just wasn't saying.
LUCKILY he was clueless enough to not realize how intensely I wanted him, and LUCKILY I had just enough reason and reserve left to not go quite over the edge with the obsession. With time, the obsession faded and now when I think of him, the only thing I feel is relief, that I didn't do anything stupid. Since then, a couple of woman friends have confided that they have had similar intense obsessions. My theory is that there is some hormonal thing that kicks in towards the later part of our childbearing years, that makes us go crazy with the desire to procreate some more before it's too late. I don't know about this, but whatever it was, it turned me, a well-adjusted sensible person, into a raving sex-crazed lunatic! Hang in there
I also had a girlfriend in high school that was my first love, but she moved away to the East Coast with her parents, and I pined for her for many years. In fact, I did not date for years in case she happened to move back. Like you, I had limited contact with her, mostly through letters, and I was always anguished to read in letters that she still cared for me. Then, she married another, and I married my wife. However, the emotional tie to the other woman remained unresolved within me.
From reading your mail, I hear a bit of a ''the grass is greener'' feeling within you. If you're like me, you have an idealized view of that time when you and this man were dating, and the movie plays in your head that ''life would be perfect if I had married him instead''.
Unfortunately, this is a lie, fed to us by popular media. We see many images of people coupling, divorcing, and trysting in movies and TV. Ilicit sex and adultrous drama sells, but should not be considered a normal part of monogamous relationships.
(Donning the Dr. Phil hat) You were called to love the man you are married to. I understand the emotional attachment you have to the fantasy of the other man you loved. That part is normal. But he is married now, and that is the reality of the situation. Divorce rates are staggering, and break many hearts and lives. You must guard yourself against that road. Your role is to honor his marriage as well as your own. (doff hat)
Your husband loves you, and he might suspect that you are missing something in your sexual relationship with him. Or, he might not know you are wanting more romance and passion, and for the sake of your marriage, he needs to know.
You already feel it within that you think you could benefit from marriage counseling. Opening communication with your husband about your sexual feelings will be a difficult process, and you will need a support system in place. Thus, I encourage you to seek an outside source of wisdom. Individual counseling, marriage counseling, pastoral counseling. Make sure it is face-to-face time with someone who has had a long, successful marriage and has been in your shoes. We all have these ''grass is greener'' feelings, and they need to be validated by a trusted source.
Validation of your feelings is different from condoning you to act on adultrous desires. Don't listen to the lie--you will be destroyed from indulging in the temptation. Any voice that advises you to leave your husband (physically or emotionally) is not to be trusted.
Once the communication lines are opened with your husband, encourage him to learn the art of pleasing you...and make it seem like it's his idea. :) Your husband, I would wager, desires to be a better lover to you. However, stop comparing him to others, even within your mind. It is eroding his ego, and eroding your commitment to the covenant of marriage.
It is tough to let go of a dream about someone you loved. Battles like these are won in the attitude of the heart. Love always hopes, and love always trusts. Obviously, hearing of this other man's marriage brought up old, unresolved feelings within you. You need to work through these feelings, let the love for him die, and fill the empty hole that will be left with love for your husband.
As for me, I attended the marriage of my former girlfriend. Although it was a tough transition, she and I were able through calls and visits to transform our feelings into a non-romantic friendship. We sat and discovered that I felt led on by her letters, and when she said she ''cared for me'', it was as a life-long friend''. We had some painful, but healing conversations. Her new husband was understanding, and I made it a point to get to know him and understand why she loves him, from her point of view. Then, I had to go through the grieving process to let the romantic love for her die. I prayed, I received pastoral counseling, and I read some self-help books for romantic ideas to fall in love with my wife all over again. My first love is now a positive memory, and was an important part of my maturity and coming of age. But now I know the fulfillment and importance of loving my wife, and letting her know when I'm having a tough time emotionally. Sharing with her my doubts and fears, and knowing that she loves me anyway, is worth more to me than anything in this world.
I will be praying for you--take care. + Tom
It's not uncommon for married people to feel attracted to their ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. Relax, it happens. Sometimes its a question of the grass is greener on the other side. However, the way you are feeling may eventually affect your marriage in different forms, such as resentment, less sex, etc. In which case maybe you ought to seek professional advice for yourself. If your husband does not suspect anything (yet), even better! Marriage counseling is a good idea if you've already confessed to him about the way you are feeling. Many folks have had at least one that ''got away''. I call it ''sentimental amnsesia''. No doubt this guy was great, so ask yourself why didn't it work out? You and your husband have made a commitment to stick out through the tough times and the good times. This is one of those tough times. Hopefully you can lean on your girlfriends or perhaps a close family member and just talk about it until the crisis has passed. After all, are you going to leave everything that you've created to go running after a guy that got married this weekend and risk losing the family and relationship you've built? Probably not. Perhaps after fantasising about this the way you have, maybe it's time to think with your head and be honest with yourself about what you want from your marriage and how to acheive it. I don't mean to sound harsh but maybe its just the reality someone like you may need right now. Thx. anon
Uh oh. Do yourself a favor and get some counseling. And remember, the grass is ALWAYS greener. Do you think your relationship with the boyfriend would be as exciting with kids, jobs, daily pressures of life? It would be great for a while (because it would be new), and then reality would set in, and you'd probably have the same problems, ruts, etc. that you do know, just with a different man.
I think my husband was the best boyfriend I ever had (and the best husband, I've been married twice). But sometimes I do wonder what a relationship with another man would be like, and I think that is normal. What is not good is fantasizing too much about someone else or acting upon your fantasies. Try to find a way to feel passionate about your husband.
I don't believe there is only one true love or only one Mr. Right for each of us. Instead I think there are shades of right, many possible partners. Marriage is an agreement to live as partners with one other person and to love one another and be true to one another, in passionate times and not-so passionate times, and build a life together.
Don't ruin your marriage. I took up with my old boyfriend during my first marriage, so I can speak from experience. Once you cross the line, you can never go back. Go rent the movie Unfaithful. I saw it and it was a chilling reminder (even though my husband did not kill my boyfriend) of the consequences... anon
Wow - I too find myself attracted to an old boyfriend. I left him because he had some serious commitment issues (and still does). When I got married, he cried and cried saying I would be his one big regret in life. We actually saw each other again after 10 years and have developed a nice friendship. He confirmed that he still regrets his decision to not commit to me and now he's miserable and single. I'm fairly sure my attraction to him stems from an ideal image of love that I hold in my mind - a definite fantasy. We were young and carefree and I was sure he was the man for me. My husband of 10 years certainly doesn't standup to that ideal - nor could anyone. A candidate for counseling? Certainly. My husband isn't a counseling type and we're a little short of disposable income right now so I don't see it in the picture for now. I'm very interested to read other responses. I think it would make a great book. How many woman truly pine for a past love? anon
That was very selfish of your ex-boyfriend to tell you he still loved you when you were affianced to another man (competition). He probably knew it would get to you and it was his way of holding on to a piece of you (b/c of his own fears, nostalgia) at a time when he knew both of you were headed down different paths. You realize there is no cost to his saying such easy words; he would never have to prove this professed love of his. He wanted to plant that idea in your head so that you would continue to think about him, to ''love'' him. He needs that, to have you (or anyone else) pine for him. Do you think he knew what he meant by saying he still ''loves'' you? Do you know what he meant by ''love''? Do you both mean the same thing? Maybe he sensed a mutual attraction when you met again and wanted to do something with it, such as flirt with you, play with your vulnerability, and tell you he ''still loves you.'' How romantic (sarcasm)! I wish he had shown you more respect, shown more self-respect, kept his mouth shut and acknowledged that you were in a new phase of your life however perfect or imperfect he judged it to be. If I were you, I'd embrace my husband even moreso for his integrity, his maturity, and for the way he treats me at all times. And if I thought about this ex again it would be only to help me think about what came out of ME sexually that I could try to bring out in my current relationship with my man! (Don't worry, he's not likely to kick you out of bed whatever you try.)
Guess what? I have an unbelievable relationship with my husband--we are connected and passionate with each other on all levels (emotionally, intellectually, sexually)--and I STILL think about other men, ex-boyfriends included. I think it's a normal, human response to others; a basic animal instinct. At least for me. It's also entertaining myself with the unknown and having the luxury to imagine the ideal experience. But if fantasizing on one level makes you unhappy with your actual situation, what does that mean? I don't know. Maybe that your body wants something it's not currently getting? Can you do something to boost your sex life with your partner?
Your post brought back memories...! A man that I had had a love affair with and then been obsessed with for 10 years (during most of my 20s) finally told me he wanted to be with me. I spent some time alone and during that period would break down sobbing every time I thought of him. I thought I had been holding out for him, but when I ''got'' him, the feeling turned out to be so hollow and empty that it felt like everything inside collapsed. Does that make sense? I think I cried because that was not the feeling I had been waiting for all those years!!!I am reminded of the Balzac story (Amour de Swann?) in which a man falls in love with a shallow woman only to discover that he has fallen in love with his image of her.
Obsessed with nobody