Spouse Had an Affair

Parent Q&A

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  • Affair - How to Move On

    Nov 25, 2023
    10 replies

    Several years ago my spouse fell in love with a co-worker and had an affair. It ended, because neither of them wanted their marriages to end at the time. Over the years, he has shared that he still loves this person and early this year, as it became clear that our marriage was over, he called her again and asked her to be in a relationship with him. I cannot let go of the hurt and anger that he didn't have the decency to at least wait until he moved out of our house before asking her again to be his lover. We are now wrapping up our divorce and a part of me is very happy to get rid of this creep, but we are also tied together for life because we have children. I want to be the best possible co-parent for our kids and it seems that having a decent relationship with my ex plays an important role in this. But this isn't easy for me when I still harbor so much anger and bitterness towards him. If you've been in this situation, what helped you work through your hurt and anger and move on? I know time helps, but what else in the meantime? I don't want to just disassociate; I want to work through it. Therapy hasn't been particularly useful. My ex wants to be friends, and if I weren't so angry, I would want to eventually. Our kids want us to be some version of family (e.g., be able to have family dinners, go on vacation, spend Xmas together). I don't know how to make this happen without gritting my teeth.

    I haven't been in this exact situation, tho my ex did cheat on me and it broke my heart and made me angry for many years. I'd just like to say to forgive yourself for your feelings of rage, betrayal and pain! Your situ sounds super rough. I would feel the same. I would imagine that some of what you feel is despair for yourself that you chose this person, and maybe still love them - Ive felt that. Today, many years after we separated, my ex and I do get along reasonably well - but it took time, and I suspect time is really the answer here. I'd like to suggest you find a new therapist and get one for your children too. Things cannot be the same and they need help understanding that and learning how to navigate this. You need support - you are not the bad guy. I am usually one who preaches getting along for the kids, but if it were me, I would not be spending much time with this guy for a long time. Stepping back will give you the time you need to process all this. Set some boundaries and model for your children that when someone treats you horribly, you don't suppress your pain and act like everything is okay. I think a good family therapist could help you come up with some creative ways to give a little of what the kids want and give you major space to recover. Good luck. 

    Hi there, just want to let you know that you are not alone. I am in a similar situation yet we haven't started the divorce process yet. I feel for you and your kiddos.

    I think both your spouse and your kids are asking too much of you. Your kids, very understandable - but what they are asking is that you behave as if you were still married.  That's not realistic, or workable - it will just increase your resentment and make it impossible for you to move on.  Also, where would your spouse's new love be in all this?? Your spouse wanting to be "friends" is also not workable. Friends don't treat friends the way he has treated you.  

    What is reasonable is for you to be civil and polite. You are civil and polite to many people who aren't your friends -  your boss, co-workers, the checker at the supermarket.  Treat your ex as you would a valued co-worker you need to maintain a good relationship with in order to get an important job done: i.e., raising your kids.  But you do not need to be friends with him or have anything to do with him outside the job. 

    Your kids may benefit from family therapy, too.  You yourself may need a different therapist.  

    I recommend getting a new therapist. 

    You are spending too much of your energy thinking about him and what he did to you, and not about yourself. You should start redefining yourself as a person outside this relationship, which has now ended. Yes, it ended badly, but all relationships last as long as both people are on board, even marriage, and you knew that from the start. Don't let his bad behavior become the excuse for you to keep yourself hooked in the past. Start by focusing on self-care, whatever that means for you, whether it's spa days, exercise, new activities, music, shows, cooking, anything. Take time off work, if you can. Lean in on existing friendships and make new connections. You are starting a new chapter in your life - what do you want it to be about? Once you're settled on a vision for yourself and your life in the future, you'll be in a better place to handle relationships with your ex and coparenting demands. You owe this to yourself and your kids, so start now. Sending lots of love.  

    My situation was similar. However, I only felt disappointment, not anger or bitterness. This is because his actions were a reflection of him, not of me. My (ex-) husband made the decision to have the affair due to his own ego, it had nothing to do with me or my worth as a person or wife.

    It has now been several years and he has treated the women in his subsequent relationships about the same as he did to me. Confirming that the issue is him, not me or any other woman, and I feel badly for them too.

    We did have family dinners and outings for a while until he moved out of state, then regular phone and video calls. Keeping up contact has been good for our child, who is now a young adult.

    The first couple of years of holidays were sad for me, seeing my siblings and cousins with their happy families, but I reminded myself it is better to be happier without my ex. Good luck.

    Hi - I found the Kids' Turn classes really useful. 

    Structure

    • Kids’ Turn is a 6- week workshop, meeting once a week for 1.5 hours.

    • We separate Parents of the same child in different groups and Children’s Group (divided by age for children). All groups are facilitator-led.

    • There are different workshops are based on age of the child(ren). 

    I feel your pain.  My husband had a lengthy affair when our kids were in middle school.  The feeling of rejection is intense.  Be good to yourself.  I tried to "stay on my side of the street" and focus on myself and who I wanted to be.  I sought support from a variety of places, individual therapy, a variety of weekend workshops, yoga, and online support from groups like Beyond Affairs.  I regularly spilled all my pain and sorrow into a journal.  It felt cathartic.  I got massages once a month, even though money was tight.  Strange to say, but after much time in darkness, I blossomed.  Best wishes to you on your journey.

    I want to second, third and fourth the ideas already posted: what your partner has done is awful and selfish and he (& your kids) are asking too much of you, too soon. You need time to be furious and heartbroken and you need supportive friends and professionals who allow you that space and time. Once you have found that support, then you can consider taking a “kids first” kind of co-parenting class (you do not take it simultaneously with your spouse or kids) to help you develop boundaries and clear communication skills as you navigate this new world. I took one in Maine but they are country-wide and also virtual, and for me the lessons were essential to my well-being and that of my child, after his dad and I divorced. It’s great if your partner agrees to take a similar class, so you have a shared framework going forward — but not essential. I wish you and your kids all the best. 

    This happened to my mother by my father. Not one single affair but 3 long term affairs of 1 or more years. The last broke the marriage. He stayed with that last one for several more years but broke up with her too breaking her heart. These affairs left my mom hurt, furious, ashamed and betrayed. It took her years to get past it, like 10 years or more. I still to this day can't explain why he couldn't just be honest. But he wasn't. As a tween then teen watching this and seeing it now from 40+ years later, I would say the quicker you can realize your spouse is just a selfish thoughtless jerk that you are lucky to be rid of now and not waste another 10 years with you are better off. Please don't let him waste more of your time. Easier said than done I know but try to view him as a half-person, meaning he's incapable of being an honest and good partner because he has major personality problems that will not go away. There is a very high chance he'll do the same to the next woman or something equally selfish. 40+ years later it is clear my dad had major problems despite his charming and educated exterior, and my mom realized that she was lucky to be free of him. I think she regretted very much the years she spent angry with him - because part of that is a wish it could have worked out or why aren't you go enough - switch as quickly as you can that you are lucky to be done with him now. Your anger is completely justified and it is extra hard to become a co-parent now. Join a support group. But try not to let it consume you because it is the anger that will eat you up.  My mom starting walking in the evenings to get out of the house, this became a life long passion. She also signed up for a ceramics class and that too became a life long passion but still it took her a long time to let go because I think she still had wanted the marriage to work, only after did it become apparent he was damaged. My mom ended up living a far more productive, healthy and fulfilling life than my dad. Please don't waste time like my mom did. Try as soon as possible to see your ex as simply being a very damaged person now, incapable of being your or anyone's partner. Just like you wouldn't expect or get mad when someone with a hearing problem who can't hear you, try to see him like that, it might help remove the anger. I feel for you and am supporting you in my thoughts and hoping that you can move forward quickly.   

  • After an Emotional Affair

    Feb 18, 2020
    6 replies

    My spouse had an emotional affair with a co-worker two years ago. He asked for an open marriage to have a physical relationship with this person, which I declined. (No judgment, just not for me.) The first year was a tough but growing time in our marriage. We talked (and listened) a lot about what led to that point. We recognized the role we each played in our marital strife. A few months after the affair, he found a new job, albeit at a firm where this person also occasionally consulted. A year later, she went to work for this firm also, so here we are two years later -- they still have weekly meetings alone (not optional) and occasionally get together for coffee or lunch (clearly optional). They still have long business trips a couple times a year together (not alone). I trust him when he says that they have not returned to their emotional affair, but he wants to remain friends with her. He doesn't have many friends, so he says he values their friendship. He says he likes her (at the time of the affair, he said he loved her) and they enjoy talking to each other. He says he is still physically attracted to her but wouldn't act on it, because I've drawn the line and he loves me too much and wants our marriage to survive/grow. I told him that I find his unwillingness to give up the friendship hurtful and difficult to understand. Have you experienced a similar situation, either as the party in my shoes or in my spouse's? How did you handle it? Did your marriage survive? If so, what helped most? I'm not looking to hurl stones or to give up on my marriage, but I also want to protect my own self-worth and not be blind. Thanks!

    I did experience something similar. My marriage did not survive. I am more aware now of things that I should have done, but was not eager that back then. I am happy to chat if you are open to.

    Hi Anonymous, this sounds really difficult and it sounds like you're grappling intelligently and gracefully with it. I have so much respect and admiration for you, you are resilient, patient and compassionate. I have not experienced this exact situation, but due to a hiccup in my own marriage recently (and without the time or money to afford couples therapy), I began listening to Esther Perel's podcast "Where Should We Begin?" (https://www.estherperel.com/podcast) -- and been skimming her new book "The State of Affairs." I know offering these pop cultural resources is not the same as offering advice from a personal experience. But if you have a long commute or time to plug in, it might help foster connection and divine community with the millions of couples who are going through something similar. You are not alone. 

    Yours in solidarity,
    An Anonymous Friend 

    It is addictive and you have to treat it like an addiction. The only way out is for him to completely stop seeing her. Every time he sees her the pathways in his brain are reactivated and reinforce his feelings. You can’t will yourself to “like” instead of “love”. 

    Yikes. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any experience with this so I can’t give you the kind of advice you are looking for. I just wanted to hop on here and tell you how understanding you are, he is lucky to have you in his life. 
     

    Have you discussed how disrespectful he is being? Essentially it sounds like he is trying to “have it all” and isn’t taking you into consideration. If the roles were reversed and you had the same kind of a relationship with another man outside of your marriage would your husband be ok with that? 
     

    wishing you all the best and I hope you get some insight from others on here!

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've been in your shoes. I believe you are right to see this emotional affair as a threat. Perhaps a marriage counselor might help your husband to understand your perspective, and why your husband needs to come up with a caring response to your concerns. Unfortunately, you can't control your husband's behavior. Just your own. My fear is that the situation is worse than you know. Hopefully I'm wrong, but if you find this to be true, check out the 180 on surviving infidelity.com.

    My ex-husband did this over and over again with different people during our 8-year marriage.  I didn't understand what was happening while I was still married to him, just knew that it made me very uncomfortable.  In retrospect, he was addicted to seeking out women in his working world, befriending them, sometimes carpooling with them, and becoming consumed with them.  Not sure if it ever went to a physical level, because the women all knew me to some extent and were all kind and friendly people.  I do know that his energy spent on this pursuit definitely impacted what he had left to give to the family.  We have been divorced for many years.  He continued this pattern after our divorce and into his next marriage, which eventually ended in divorce and with him actually marrying the woman of his emotional affair at that time.  I am so glad that we did finally split up and I got to move towards figuring out what does and does not work for me.  I have a lot of sympathy for what you are enduring, and hope that you can come to the understand that you deserve to be respected and cherished.

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Also see: Advice about Infidelity


June 2002

I can't believe I'm asking for this kind of advice, but here I am. I just found out last week that my husband is having a long term affair with one of his employees. I have many pieces of evidence that expound his love and longing to be with this person. I am a working mother of 4 year old girl/boy twins. I am in shock, I'm numb and really angry. We have been going to counseling for about six months. I suspected something back in Jan/Feb and asked him point blank in our counseling sessions. He said no that he and his employee were friends. During this time he put little effort into our relationship, made me feel like it was all my fault and continued to see this person. I'm taking steps to protect myself and my children, but I know I'm not thinking clearly. My family knows and his does as well. They all know that this situation lies directly with my husband. Any and all advice is deeply appreciated. Scared and Angry Mother


You situation sounds exactly like what happened to me, though my children were older at the time. I had decided before I knew for certain that he was having an affair that I did not want to be married to someone who would not put his marriage and family first (needless to say, he was very detached and not around a lot at the time). I asked him to move out and the affair was confirmed after that. I immediately filed for divorce, my feeling that I did not want to be married to such a person stronger than ever, and wanting to get on with my life. It was scary, but the benefits were immediate. The atmosphere at home improved 100% and 10 years later the kids and I are happy and doing very well. It is hard to raise kids in a single-parent household, but there are so many resourcse--family, friends, etc.--that you may not realize you have to make it easier. The important thing is to think about what sort of future you want and can imagine for yourself and your children. I simply did not want to stay with someone who obviously did not respect me or our family.

It can be hard to get through a time like this, no matter what you decide (he had had an earlier, less serious affair when our first child was an infant), but the hurt and anger will lessen, especially if you decide to do what is best for you, to shrug off the burden his affair places on you. It's hard, but don't let his bad behavior ruin your self-esteem or set you back. anonymous


My advice -- leave him! If you have the proof and say that he is still seeing this woman, don't put yourself through anymore hurt. It won't help the kids by staying with him. It'll hurt in the beginning, but you'll be SOOOOO much better off!!!! Kristin in Alameda


First off, I am so terribly sorry that you are in this situation. I'm sure everyone on this list feels horrible and wishes we never had to see these types of posts. But such is life...

You are in counseling, which is the natural first step. But it sounds as if your husband is not working on your marriage. I've been involved in counseling for alcohol addiction and the advice is the same = the first step in solving the problem is to STOP. No going slow - you must go cold turkey. Your husband cannot possibly think he is going to begin to repair his marriage if he is still actively having this affair. If he is committed to your marriage and saving it, he needs to stop seeing this person now and FOCUS.

Obviously, you have an unhappy road ahead of you for the time being. If your husband won't 'buck up', start taking steps to protect yourself (your assets, children, etc). If he won't stop seeing this person, you have to ask yourself if you'll stay around and wait, or just leave. Its up to you and its a hellish decision either way.

Unfortunately you can't change someone else - they have to want to change. If he isn't going to change, you'll save yourself continued heartache by taking action now.

Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I truly hope it works out for the best. Julie


I had a similiar experience with my ex-husband who began to betray me while I was pregnant. He acted mean and angry and aggressive towards me right through to my baby's birth and for months later. He too, denied having an affair. We did the therapy thing and he was dishonest within the context of that too. I had already kicked him out, then allowed him back in, only to be burned once more time by woman #2 when my baby was 10 months old. I felt like I had to try everything to forgive him and make it work for the future of my child, and of course to preserve what I thought was my dream marriage and family. I was extra humiliated by the effort to put things behind us but I can't regret trying because I will alway know for my child's sake I gave it everything I had. My feeling is unless the man professes a love and committment to you and a certain contriteness about what he did (mine never did) there is minimal chance of 'happily ever after.' There is a great book called ''When Your Lover Lies'' by Susan Forward which helps to be on alert to more lies and deception and how to best adapt an attitude to protect yourself now and in future relationships. My belief is that when betrayal is revealed and the individual continues to lie and sleeze, it is a whole nother ballgame. I don't recommend mediation, and therapy functions best in an environment of honesty and vulnerability. Allow yourself (as much as possible away from the twins) to be as angry and ballistic as you want. Protect your interests and set yourself up in life as best you can, try to negotiate calmly and with clear determination. This seems to happen to more women of young children than I ever realized and the costs (emotional/psychic/material) inflicted by men of this kind are great. However you get through this horribly traumatic time, your inner strength and creative resources will bring you to a place far beyond where you dreamed possible. I'm sorry this happened to you. Bon Voyage


I feel compelled to reply to your post, because I was the ''midlife crisis'' poster a while ago, who experienced a related hurt and benefitted greatly by the responses received, incl. the book tips. I looked at my marriage, excluding the ''not in-love'' issue, to see how rich it was or not. I saw sharing of resources, spending fun family time together, equal share of household and child care duties, relief time for each spouse to go out with friends, honest straightforward conversation with each other, and enjoying the night sky together. That is a lot to be happy for. It also sunk in that I have no ultimate control over someone elses action. (Maybe it's good that I found this out before my child got to be a teenager). I only have control over my actions and feelings and had to define for myself when enough is enough. Pay close attention to your health and promise your body what you will do to protect it - you are your own best friend. You cannot stop your husband's feelings/sexual arousal for someone else and you cannot make him be intimate with you, but you can decide under which conditions you continue to live with him or leave or divorce. Does he want to be a single parent with 2 children or look forward to paying alimony for 2 and pay for another place to live? All of that for having sex with an employee? Does he want to live with her, start a family with her? (My husband realized that he never wants live with another woman and start over, and never wants to have another child with another woman). You also cannot make him stop seeing this woman. However, you can clearly state that you prefer that the affair be ended and tell him upfront what your limits are in terms of staying together. Establishing new boundaries has helped us a great deal. And it's not one person telling the other ''that's the way I'll do it and you deal with it.'' Somewhere, compassion for each other has to play a significant part in it and you may find a new positive definition together for what you guys are at this point in time. I think a strong friendship is essential to get there. We have defined ourselves as affectionate best friends who have been married for a long time and want to raise our child as best as we can together. The new commitment is to take care of our own sexual needs as they arise (but not with other partners) until we're ready to be intimate again with each other, embracing the uncertainty that it can take a long time or may never happen again. Starting another outside affair means divorce. As harsh as this reads, we're both happier than ever. Maybe your marriage can be redefined to something that feels good to both of you, maybe there is no common ground. Your counselor should be able to help you with that. We arrived there on our own. I am still occasionally grappling with trust issues, but this is my own insecurity and I will deal with that myself. I've ordered the book ''after the affair'' and hope to gain some help from that. The book ''Forgive for good'' has helped me tremendously to move beyond the grievance and replace fear and anger with peace of mind. I can highly recommend it to you for the situation you find yourself in. (Note: forgiving does not mean tolerating nor reconciling). Anonymous


Firstly, my heart absolutely goes out to you. What a profound breech of trust you have endured. Since I can't be in your mocassins, as my mom would say, I can't presume to suggest what you should do. I can however, suggest what I would do, which is the following. I would call my folks, or someone I really trust, to look after the kids for a three-day weekend. Then I would call my best friend, who lives in Philadelphia, and ask her to head to the airport, and she and I would meet in a sacred healing place (which for me would be Santa Fe, New Mexico, but it could just as easily be the Big Sur coast, or Pt. Reyes, or Muir Woods and the Pelican Inn) and I would cry for the first 48 hours or so, and then with the next 24 hours I would deeply meditate on my path (and that of my children). I would need to know the following: Is my path, most importantly, in this marriage, or not? I would trust that in that setting the answer would make itself known. Either way, with husband or without, I would know the road ahead to be incredibly painful. But only you know whether, regarding your husband, he is for you and you are for him at this difficult juncture. Upon returning home, I would find myself a great therapist and call upon all my girlfriends for support. And I would tell my kids as much as possible without totally rocking their world, even when I didn't have all the answers. Best of all possible luck to you during these difficult times, and thank you for sharing your concerns with this community. Deborah


If your situation does head toward separation and divorce, then I recommend calling Kids' Turn, a nonprofit group that helps kids deal with their parents' separation and divorce. I've heard good things about them. The number is 835-8445. good luck to you and your kids. Sarah


you have every right to be angry and scared, but don't let it paralyze you. sounds to me like you need to get out of the ''marriage.'' suzie


My heart goes out to you--this is a horrible shock and I would imagine you feel incredibly frightened and betrayed. I work with couples frequently and the subject of affairs has never come up without it feeling devastating for one or both partners. My hope is that you can continue in couples therapy and that you feel safe enough to talk about, cry about and be angry about all of the things that have come to light. I would highly recommend a book called ''After the Affair'' (Janis Spring Abrahms) as a way of, on your own, getting support and perspective on what has and is still happening and as a way of maintaining some hope that things might turn out in the best way for you and your family. And if you aren't already, you might also want to consider finding an individual therapist so that you can, in addition to working on this in couples therapy, work in a safe place on your own. Feel free to call if you would like a recommendation for an individual therapist. 433-2959

My best to you, Michael Simon, MFT


First of all let me say that I am very sorry you are going through this torment. I can only imagine the pain and suffering you're experiencing not having been exposed to that type of situation.

However, as a mother I can't help but concern myself with how this is affecting your two young kids. In times likes these, I believe parents often forget how perceptive children are to their surroundings and how too they are affected by their parent's trials and tribulations. Having said that, I really think you should consinder or accept the fact that counseling is no longer a solution but perhaps your last hope to hold on to an unstable marriage. If you want to continue going to couseling, I think you should look into going to something for yourself, and find something that will help make you stronger and more focused on what your next step should be.

I know it can be scary considering the possibility of being a single mom, especially with more than one young child, but sometimes children are better off with two seperate stable parents than with two unstable married parents. Like my mom always says, ''It's better to be alone, than in bad company''. My advice to you, prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. Don't allow yourself to be surprised by a sudden separation or divorce. Do what you have to do to make sure your and that of your children's future become a more stable and healthy one.

Best of luck to you. Sympathetic Friend


I would like to share my experience, in the hopes that it will help you through the painful experience you are having. Your story could have been mine---20 years ago. When I was pregnant with our first child I found that my husband had been unfaithful. He travelled a lot and the pattern of affairs when he was out of town continued over the next few years. I stayed with him and tried to put it all behind me and concentrate on the positive things in our relationship. I told myself that it was important for my daughter (and then a second daughter) to have their father in their lives. Many years went by, in fact, it took 17 years for us to come to the point of divorce. And the strange thing was that even all those years later, when our family therapist asked me ''when did the marriage end for you?'' I realized that my marriage had ended the moment I found out about the first affair....17 years earlier. Even though we had been living together as a family for all those years. I won't go into all the details of the price I paid for those years of living the illusion of being a family. I'll just mention quickly that it turns out that I was not protecting my daughters, in fact they suffered as much as I did from the betrayals. I thought they didn't know about them, but it turns out that kids know much more than you ever tell them. The good news is that now, 3 years after the divorce, I have met an incredible man, who really loves and respects me and my children. My kids definately show the scars of living in our family, and we are all 3 working through all our pain and trying to learn a few lessons from the painful experiences of the past 20 years. But it is never to late to do the right thing for yourself and for your children. My best wishes are going to you and may you find a way through your pain to the peace and love that are waiting for you on the other side. anonymous


I too suffered through this type of betrayal with my husband, but I had just delivered my 2nd child. He stated point blank in therapy several months previously, that he was not having an affair. Well, without going through the humiliating details of the desperation I felt, it all seemed to come down to a couple of facts. I still felt love for him, and therefor was willing to travel that painful journey to forgiveness. He desperately wanted to be a good father to his children and realized that he could not accomplish this as well, outside the marriage. Coupled with a reality check regarding how he could actually have a life of fantasy while paying child support and providing another home for his children? His love for me has rekindled in the process of healing and therapy. And I realized that I was accountable for my part in this. I helped to drive him away with anger. The anger I think had something to do with sleep deprivation from child 1, and from my feelings of frustration at trying to be a good mother, and a good full time employee, and a good spouse. I think I subconciously blamed my husband for not providing well enough for me to stay home and raise the children as my mother had. I needed to revisit my goals and priorities, and make some changes. So, that said....do you love him enough to forgive him eventually? Does he love you and the family enough to cease his behavior, ask and seek forgiveness? Do you have a therapist that you really trust? Its a long hard road, and you may not be able to answer any questions right now. Focus on holding it together for your children. If necessary, ask him to leave(but he cannot move in with the OTHER), to give you both space to consider your feelings and thoughts. Make sure he will care for the kids 50% of the time if he moves out. Let him stay at home and you go stay with a friend or family member, this can be a crucial step in detachment and perspective! Lastly, my best wishes are with you. anon