Looking for therapist while considering separation
I am considering leaving my husband. I would like to see a therapist individually and perhaps bring my husband in for couples therapy as well. I know that regardless of our marital status we have a young child we need to coparent. I feel that many of the issues that are causing me to want to leave will later affect our child and our ability to coparent (lack of accountability, impulsiveness, meanness, etc). I am hoping to find someone who can help me/ us navigate how we can get to the best place for our child. Ideally someone who isn't set on us either working it out or separating but someone who will help us figure out which path is best.
Part of me still has a fantasy that things will work out. But odds are they won't. Partner has historically not believed in therapy but has gone when I have forced the issue. I am doubtful that he is willing to do the work. But I am hopeful to find someone who can perhaps give him some perspective on how his actions will affect his child.
Or at least I would like to talk to someone who can help me find ways for us to move forward as coparents without constantly having the same fights we are currently having.
We have kaiser and their mental health is slow and awful. Ideally looking for someone who isn't terribly expensive outside of Kaiser.
I haven't worked in years. Get insurance through my husband. Have no idea what I will do for work. Hate the idea of missing so much of my child's life if we split custody. I would want to make it work if I thought it was workable but right now I do not. Has anyone been this far gone and worked it out? Any advise or things to consider? I know separating / divorce will cause a whole new set of stressors and am trying to weigh everything.
Lastly, if anyone has a divorce lawyer they recommend. I have one very specific question I would like to get answered before I make a decision. Hopefully a very quick consult could get me an answer regarding property and long terms marriage.
Parent Replies
I’ve been there. Happy to advise you directly. I used Stefan Spielman for my divorce. He’s great and very affordable. Stefan [at] spielmanfamilylaw.com.
Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I recommend Fran Wickner, PhD, MFT (510-527-4011). She is a supportive and compassionate therapist, who helped me resolve some individual issues, and I wish that my partner and I had gone to her for couples therapy to better coparent (we're now in divorce mediation after a year-long separation).
Hi there!-
There is a great community mental health organization based in SF (sees clients virtually as well), called Liberation Institute. It is full sliding scale (so very affordable) with therapists in various levels of training. They also have several free drop in groups.
You are wise to go slow and do research while you think this through. I recently completed my divorce process after a several years of living together and seeing a marriage therapist, then two and a half years of living separately (one full-time with each teenager), and eventually divorcing. I did everything I could to work on the relationship. But it takes two, and my former spouse could not engage. He eventually met someone else and asked for a divorce. After a hellish several years, I am stable, healthy, and thriving and have a good relationship with each of my children.
Here are some things that helped me through the process:
Work with an individual therapist to get yourself to a stable and healthy place.
Get away by yourself and with your children without your spouse. These kinds of breaks give relief from unhealthy patterns and help to gain perspective.
Participate in free divorce workshops to educate yourself on what to consider if you are contemplating a divorce, including the different ways of divorcing. Here are two that I found quite helpful: Second Saturday and Divorce Options. I participated and both and found them both helpful for different reasons. If I were to participate in only one, I would participate in Divorce Options.
We have Kaiser through Univ of CA employment. If you are the same, you actually do have another program that you can access that UC pays for. You also may have access to a therapist through your husband’s employee health/benefits program - usually called an “EAP” program. They can see you and help you navigate to find an affordable therapist.
We love Kelly Sharp, LMFT. She has helped us and we have referred a few other couples as well who also really loved her. She is great for individual therapy as well. https://www.kellymsharplmft.com
I highly recommend coach Nicole Halpern (https://www.nicolehalpern.com). I found her name on BPN when I wrote a similar post to yours, and she helped me immensely through a very difficult time. She started out really helping me look at whether it was possible to stay together, and I appreciated that. In the end, I decided it wasn't, but every step of the way she helped me stay grounded, asked me hard questions and pointed me to really good resources (both for personal growth and also for support in the divorce process). She was better than any therapist I've had for really getting me somewhere with my thinking around divorce. But she wouldn't be someone who would provide any couples therapy. For that, I really loved the couples work we did with Lisa Kully (http://www.embodiedpsychotherapy.net/).