Marriage over, but keeping family together
Going on 10 yrs of marriage now. I realized gradually husband is a self-absorbed, solitary man at core & is happy that way. No affection, no emotional attunement, no sharing of feelings nor talking. Once he knew he had me, he reverted back to his shut down self.
I knew early, but couples therapy did not change the dynamic. I was pregnant at wedding and had two more, so have carried on. I do most everything, because if I pull him in to do housework or parenting, he gets short-fused, unglued and borderline abusive. The work at home business and obsessive hobbies are so compelling, that he comes up for air, hangs out for awhile and goes back to his world. I get lonely and depressed, but don't rock the boat. He notices on some level I have retreated too-sex is over.
There are positives: he is a good provider, is a homebody, stable, does not demand or complain and likes the idea of family. He is a "fun dad" who likes family outing, field trips and volunteers at school. Never criticizes. Generous, excessively with kids in terms of buying whatever they want. Shows his love for them with stuff.
I work more than PT but not FT, do the domestic work, make the decisions, do the emotional heavy lifting and he never questions me. I make no demands, he does what he wants in terms of hobbies, friends, sports. I have no time for friends. I develop an interest, he has to come with and usurp it. I wanted to take a class for me, but evening out equals unfed crazy kids in dangerous situation while I'm gone. He will not take kids anywhere without me, so I am never alone in the house. If I leave for awhile, he gets a sitter now. He cannot do the parenting thing. He is also bad with money, (makes it , spends it, then can't pay taxes, grrr) so we could not afford to live apart and couldn't leave kids with him anyway.
.Anyone else stuck too? How do I carve a life out for myself? I've been in therapy for awhile, take medication for depression and once in a blue moon, when wide awake aching with loneliness, will smoke prescribed weed to sleep. He has no idea, BTW. I feel estranged from him and sometimes myself and I don't think he even notices. Any advice?
Parent Replies
I'm sorry that things are so hard. ((Hugs!)) I think that a degree of disconnect is the norm rather than the exception in a marriage. I say that not as a downer, but to let you know you are not alone. My husband and I love each other, but we struggle to connect at a real level more than once in a blue moon. I think males in our society have only recently been getting instruction and nurturing with how to share themselves in a real way. I find many men are chatty at parties but silent cave-dwellers in their own homes. On a more practical level, for your own future and your kids, you need to negotiate a way to have greater financial stability. Siphon off and invest, if you need to. A lawyer and financial planner can help. The other thing you need is a regular baby sitter that will allow you to get out and develop your own friendships and interests. This is essential for self-care. It's like that old chestnut about in an airplane emergency you're supposed to put on your own oxygen mask before you help anybody else so you have a clear brain for the task. You need supportive friends and some hobbies that make you happy. Best of luck to you!
Get away from this person. He is drawing the life out of you. You will have a time of grief but the relief of not having this perfusion in your life will be wonderful.
Something that was really helpful for me, that I still work on in therapy, was really focusing my efforts and energies on me and self care, rather than my husband. After 15 years of marriage I learned to be much clearer to myself about what I wanted and needed from any given situation and I can now communicate that to him. I also realized that I was changing my behavior in the marriage based only on what his wants and needs were. Once I noticed that pattern and did a bunch of work about why I felt so guilty setting boundaries about my wants and needs (deep childhood stuff here) I became much happier in the marriage and with myself.
Now my needs come first to me and it's up to me to find the support I need to make them happen. Sometimes that support comes from my husband, but more often than not it doesn't. He has his limits.. many of which I disagree with, but I can't really change them. My expectations have really changed of him.
There are other people and experiences that can and do support me. (A high school kids does the after school afternoon schelp 3x week, we do take out dinner more than a previous version of myself would approve of, and I make sure that at least 2-3x per week I hang out with a friend or two.) I also own my own small creative business and once my youngest started kindergarten four years ago, I made sure that during school hours I only worked on my business and on myself.
Once I really started focusing on myself, the marriage has become so much more tolerable. I'm still not sure the marriage is truly what I want, but having the awareness to get the support I need outside the marriage, and shifting my expectations for my husband (who sounds similar to yours) has made me so much happier.