21 year old's friend with benefits ... at my house
With so many young adults living at home these days I'm hoping others will have insight into this. Our 21yo lives at home, is totally dependent on us, attends BCC part time. I do not have a problem with him having sex or sleepovers here at the house with someone he's in a relationship with. He's been doing that for a while with our agreement. But he is not in a relationship right now, and he seems to think it's OK to have occasional recreational sex at the family home. He and I discussed this, and he is clear that his friend is not a prospective romantic interest. They know each other from high school and "dated" briefly back then. She's usually away at college but comes back to the Bay Area from time to time. So, my son says, they are friends with benefits.
My husband and I both work at home so we're here all the time. I don't like the idea of hook-ups happening in our house. My husband doesn't want to be hosting hook-ups either, but he prefers to ignore it because he is uncomfortable talking about such things with our son. It's easy enough to ignore: our son's room is fairly noise-proof and we don't go in without permission. But I feel uncomfortable about interacting with her as they are going in and out of the bedroom. Her social skills aren't the best, so it's awkward regardless. Neither one of them has the funds to get a hotel room, and she presumably doesn't want to host the hook-up at her family home. Am I being too prudish? Should I be looking at this as a roommate situation where he's an adult and parents should butt out?
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I would not be comfortable with this either. It is your home and it is okay to make rules that create a safe, respectful environment for everyone living there. If it was me, I would be living differently myself because of my son's presence--sex with my husband not obvious, not walking around half clothed, etc. Just as you wouldn't want your son to run into you in a negligee in the hallway, you shouldn't have to run into his hook-up. If he badly wants the freedom for that in his own living space then that will help fuel is plans for his own private apartment.
I don't think it matters whether you're prudish or not. You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. If he were in relationship with someone, that person would be more integrated into family life, so it wouldn't feel as odd or awkward to you. Also, if you had a renter who had hookups, it might be different, based on your rental agreement, but your son is fully dependent on you and living under your roof. You can set the rules.
I'd feel the same if our daughter had behaved this way. Perhaps there are factors you haven't mentioned, but it seems to me your son is getting too easy a ride. If he wants to do exactly as he pleases, he should find work and roommates, and stop living off his parents.
Please don't take this as judgemental. I have young teenagers who aren't even close to having sexual relationships, so I don't have experience with these situations. I do remember being in my early twenties and having some relationships where one or the other of us was more invested and the overall status was uncertain. I think that is pretty normal. If you are okay with him having sex in your house, it isn't loud and disruptive for you and your husband, why does it matter what the status of the relationship is? If you are okay with him living there, maybe you need to allow him to be a 21 year old who sometimes hooks up.
I think you’re well within your rights to decide what goes on under your roof. At 21 years old it’s not unrealistic to expect your son to be independent. I would expect at the very least that he’s contributing to the house somehow financially or doing work around the house- cooking, cleaning etc. It’s not prudish to not want your son to be doing this under your roof. As to whether it’s prudish if you don’t want him doing it under his own roof, that’s up for debate. I think your husband can certainly overcome his discomfort and talk about this. You seem to be a very cool mom. My MIL was not okay with me and my wife staying in one bedroom when we visited her for the first time ( and we were in a pretty serious, committed relationship). Have you tried talking to your son about this? He may actually understand how you feel about this and offer to change.
I’m glad you are asking this question since I might have to face this situation one day. I feel that you opened the door with the girlfriend so how will you address the “hook ups” ( with people he knows well or meets) will be difficult. Do you treat him like a roommate? This might be why he’s not seeing that bringing in multiple partners to your house brings up a lot of things such as possible heath & safety impacting everyone. It’s time for a real adult to adult conversation about living together as adult son and parents.
Since your home is also your place of work he needs to respect that first and foremost. Establish ground rules & set realistic and agreeable terms such as no girlfriends or hook up’s while you are working, set visitation hours, establish safety measures - (someone could be hanging with him to scope out your house for future robbery), write down everything agreed to and everyone sign. Revisit the agreements regularly. And kept your eyes open to these relationships. If he was living with roommates I think they’d have agreements on who comes into the apartment and for how long and when.
So while you’re not roommates, he should recognize personal space and respecting others. Good luck and I hope you can figure out living together as adults, but still as child and parents.