College Roommate Troubles

Archived Q&A and Reviews



Facebook bullying by roommate's boyfriend

Jan 2011

My 20 year old daughter received a shocking message on her Facebook from her roommate's boyfriend. My daughter shares a bathroom with a female student. The bathroom is in my daughter's bedroom. The roommate stayed in the apartment with her boyfriend during winter break. When my daughter went back to the apartment once, the bathroom had bad odor, and there were blood and more discharges in the bath tub. After cleaning it up, my daughter called her roommate. She is usually mild and calm, but she was upset because she thought they made love in the bath tab and left without cleaning. The roommate at first denied, but she finally apologized. The couple stayed in the apartment and messed the whole unit again, but my daughter didn't complain again. After the winter vacation, her roommate asked my daughter to apologize the boyfriend. When my daughter refused, he posted a message on her Facebook that the couple was really horrified because she wrongly accused them, or she asked about their sexual habit. I was with her when she called her roommate, but she didn't ask about their sex. She was just angry. Now he decided to visit the apartment this month. According to the roommate he has a bad temper and raped her once when he was angry. I don't know whether it is truth, but the roommate doesn't stop him saying she is tired of the 'Dog Fight'.

The lease contract mentioned if a guest stays longer than 3 days, it has to be registered. But the roommate never did. He stayed weeks. The contract also mentioned that the resident is responsible for a guest. Before the incident, my daughter already had problems with the roommate. When my daughter created a 3D animation for a class, the roommate told her that it was bad that she was going to get seizures. When the animation was selected as the best project by two professors and classmates. the roommate said, Really? Nobody got seizures?

There is another female student in the complex who decided to accept his visit, although she complained that the apartment was dirty after his visit, and his message was hateful. Now my daughter is depressed. She thinks she should apologize him because she is afraid of his visit. She also thinks that she doesn't have value to celebrate her 21st birthday or doesn't want to go to school. Can we legally stop his visiting? I checked the definition of 'cyber bullying', and I believe the message posted on her Facebook was 'hate speech', or 'harassment'. I really need to stop his visit. anon

Sounds like there are several things going on: a facebook slam, a disrespectful roommate, roommate's possibly violent boyfriend and your frightened and now depressed daughter.

Can your daughter give the roommate 30-days notice to move out and say she realizes their living together is not a great fit for either party? that at this point in your daughter's academic world, her classload is so heavy that she really needs quiet and as little disruption as possible? Or, can your daughter give notice and move out? Mom, can you rat him out anonymously to the apartment complex? No one should have to live in fear. Posting something to deny their sexual exploits, the roommate's boyfriend effectively announced their bad behavior to the world. Unfriend the boyfriend and roommate. You don't need a friend like that. Not responding to their unseemly comments will eventually become yesterday's facebook news. And give her a big hug. Sam

Your daughter is in danger. That's right - danger! Her roommate has a rapist boyfriend who could just as easily break down your daughter's door and rape her *too*. She is terrified. No one should live like this.

I'm sorry but ''blood'' in the tub is *not* a typical sexual encounter - it is obviously a violent one.

Move your daughter out immediately. Go in, take *all* her stuff and move her out. Have her stay home and commute into school. If she is in a sublet, let them eat the loss. If she is in student housing, go to the director and explain the clear, immediate and imminent danger to your daughter. Demand a new placement in a completely different unit.

Ask to have the campus police involved because the roommate confessed that she had been raped by this guy. And then let the chips fall where they may. Let the campus handle it.

Put your daughter's safety first. Now. Good Luck

This could get worse, much worse. Your daughter needs to report it, and request a new room assignment. You may need to make a call to school. You daughter may need to sign a release to allow you to intervene on her behalf since there are privacy issues the school has to honor by law. Bad roommate issues can affect her school performance, though this may be the least of your worries. Since this guy sounds like he may have criminal tendencies he could turn on your daughter, and he is not supposed to be in the apartment or the building. If you daughter does not report it and he is involved in a crime, she could be named as an accomplice for permitting him to be there. She needs to get away from this living situation. No one should live, let alone be at school under this pressure. As far as Facebook goes. She can delete her account - block others from posting, and other security settings as well as file a complaint with Facebook. Supportive